Our situation.

I have 2 people, who I feel a tad uneasy about right now. Yes, they are unfortunately 2 of the most important people of my life, of course. That's just how life works.

1.
It's really quite interesting how things tend to happen with us. It always seems like life is working in ways that force me to rid of my fears. My scars left behind. It's so coincidental that right after I posted a blog, -not even really a blog, because it was only meant for the -ding- post- stating how terrified I was about promise rings, promises. Here I am today, knowing that you bought me one. There I was, two days ago, staring into your eyes and you pulled it from your drawer. Begging me to open it, as I was still in denial about it being a ring. Honestly, I don't know if it is a defense mechanism, or my pure naive idiot-like thinking, that lead me to believe that the box I held in my hands were earrings. I apologize. I really my breath leaping out of my lungs when you forced me to open it, to reveal a small, silver ring. 3 diamonds. Kay Jewelry. Omg, I just looked at the same facebook page, (Amy's) that made me fear the promise ring in the first place, still, shivers. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sure it's not a big deal.. Are we moving too fast? We've been together 1.5 years, we ARE moving too fast..... right? I hope I'm not just becoming commitment afraid again.. Because you know I love you so much. I can openly say, that I am so very in love with you. (Yes, I had a mild loss of breath when I typed that...) I've never felt so real, so in a relationship, than I am, right now, with you.
You've taken the ring, hidden it until Christmas day. And maybe then, maybe after spending this month together, (or .. lol week) I'll feel more ready. I just don't want to skip to the end of where ever we will end up, I don't want to fast forward. I want to take in everything, and be everything, with each other, one step at a time. Boy, you are just so crazy you faith. You always have been. Since the 3rd day when you told me you loved me, to the 5th month when you begged me never to leave you in your sleep, to the 8th month when you wanted me to promise that I'd marry you.
You are just, so adorable, in your somewhat naive ways. You're somewhat realistic but so in a dream fantasy like state ways.
Sometimes I feel too much like a princess to believe this is true. Haha, you are just too funny.
Wait... I started this post with the soul intent to be afraid of you and this ring, and now I'm smiling about it? ...Realizing that scares me.

2.
I remember reading your note, before we headed off to start our new lives. I cried, so hard. I cried because I knew what was going to happen. I cried because I knew from then on, I would continue to shrink in your mind, to be a far away memory. And yes, I know that as much as it is your fault, it is as equally my fault that our friendship has ended up this way. But honestly, I'm not angry about it. From time to time, I get frustrated, enviously spiteful, but no. It's not the truth. The truth is I'm not at all angry, or spiteful. I'm just hurt, and envious, and wanting to be a part of your life. I know it's a little awkward between us right now. But I can't help it. Perhaps you don't realize, but everything you put, it just makes me feel like..I'm no longer included. And please, don't tell me that it shouldn't, because.. every quote, about memories, about importance, about anything, there is always a justification for why I am not in it, (IE- Picked only facebook pictures) or even (IE- solely on the purpose of survival, not favoritism of people) And yet, coincidentally, everytime, these people of your importance level picked not by favoritism, always end up being the same people, of the same group. Every time. Slowly, as I continued to try and wipe from my brain all these things I read, and felt hurt and unimportant by, it really...really... just ate me away. And these justifications, I never ran them by you, but it's just... so obvious. Even as I am typing this I feel on the brink of tears. And no. I am not unhappy with my life at all, I love my life. I am really really happy. And yet, when I think about this. When I think about us. And what has happened, how I feel so replaced, it makes me almost want to cry. ...Well, no. Now I'm tearing. But anyways. I try and pretend it doesn't bother me. But it does. It really does. I've already felt like I've lost you as how we were, but even now I can barely even remember how we were because it has been so long..... Do you know when was the last actual time we were "us" before things changed? Freshman year. And you know what is funny? That was when you were miserable. Your worst year of high school. That's when we had the strongest relationship. What does that even mean then??
I just really needed to get this off my chest because it was eating me away.
Not intended to start a war, or anything of the sort.

HOLY FUCK I JUST HEARD LIKE YELLING AND SCREAMING AND LIKE WOLF NOISES......... Fuck life. Completely ruined my rant. NOW I AM SCARED AND GOING TO CALL LAM. ODMSLKDMALKMDA AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Word of advice?

You're too durn serious with something that's just barely begun.

Just wanted to Clarify,

My friend from UCB, who I was going to take shopping with me, she is from LA. She couldn't even home for Thanksgiving, so I wanted to save her, she was really down that everyone else was leaving.
However, in the end, she found something else to do, that wouldn't involve having Lam drive back and down to pick me up, then pick her up, 45 mins x 4.

Honestly, I didn't make plans with other people. I didn't make plans with my 'other' best friends. It was a spur of the moment thing. Your Thanksgiving log also threw me off, it made it seem you had had other things to do, because you assumed I had other things to do.. So ironically, I was waiting for YOU to get back to me about the shopping.. Which was my mistake, because I didn't realize I was keeping you waiting on an answer to go? I honestly thought I had already responded with a "Of course!" or something, because Black Friday + Sheri asking = Yes, is like an automatic response for me. But I guess I impulsively just assumed you were busy.

I was also hurt, to find out that you were shopping with your other best friends. It's actually pretty funny, and ironic what happened. I assumed since you didn't text me (other than 2 weeks ago) because you didn't actually check up with me, you were busy, you had other plans. Your recent blogs haven't at all really made me feel... included I guess. When you say your high school friends, who've been there and know HOW you are, I don't feel like I even belong a part of that. Because I'm hardly ever there anymore for your life changing moments. I always have to be caught up with your life. I don't know, I didn't want to double check with you about shopping because honestly, I already was expecting the, "I'm going with - - and -, but we can meet up for a bit!" I didn't want to be, "a bit"

.....My ear got itchy, and I forgot what else I was going to say.
The group of my 'other' best friends. You should know you're always welcomed as a part of it. You should know that! We all love you, and consider you a best friend. Your group however, If feel like a complete outsider, and now that you're with Alvin, I'd feel more of one going! So, I just didn't want to be a bother to you, to have to try and "squeeze" me in.

But really though, most of Black Friday Cindy and I were just talking, and wondering where you were. Or why we didn't go with us this year.
We actually felt pretty sad and forgotten..
....Life's funny how it works, isn't it? haha

You will never see...............
You will never realize how much it hurts me.

Why is it that you don't see how much I appreciate you? When I'm irritated, I understand that I'm irritated, and if I'm angry to you, I know I will apologize. Because I can realize that I am just being foolish, and moody.
I never, ever blame you when you haven't done anything.

My pride will not come in the way of my respect for you.
If I know I screwed up, and mistreated you, I will apologize. Because I appreciate you, as a great boyfriend, who I love very much.

But when it's the other way around..I have to bring it up that you hurt my feelings. And it just turns into a argument.
You think the whole world does not think, but then why do you yell at me, as if it were my fault, for something the world has done?
Why are you yelling at me, treating me, guilting me, like I've done something wrong to hurt you? When in reality, I asked Cindy if she could get picked up at 4 instead of 5, so it wouldn't be a hassle. When I told her saying "There's traffic, so hurry please! He has somewhere to go."
But you will never see that.
You will only see that she didn't come out when you wanted her too. And so it is my fault, for not being able to control that.

I wanted you to say sorry, not to hurt your pride, but so I know that you feel bad for hurting me. That you're sorry. So I can believe that you won't hurt me like this all the time. That you can realize you've been irritable and wrong.

It's funny. It felt good saying what I said. It started this stupid argument, but honestly, I couldn't take it.
I despise when people take their anger out on me. Despite the fact that I try so hard to provide a happy, good environment.
I couldn't take it. What happened today happens too often. I thought about too much and it just frustrated me. Honestly, when I told you, I wasn't expecting this argument. I didn't even tell you with this angered voice, (And if I sounded angry, I guess that's my fault. Because it was a voice of genuine hurt.) and yet you responded with this angry tone.
It set me off, to be scolded for feeling hurt.
Honestly, you blew up on me, for no reason. I did nothing wrong. I was an innocent person, in a good mood, who was yelled at.
No no no. I can't take that sht.

I told you what was on my mind, just hoping for a cute little, "I'm sorry hun, I was being a jerk." Because GOD DAMN IT YOU WERE. BUT NO, You go off saying, 'No one in the world thinks.' In your OWN bitchass words to your own friends, "are you fuckin retarded?" HOW DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD THAT THINKS?
And another thing, WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH YOU YELLING AT ME?!?!?!?
Okay, so the whole world is wrong.
You yelled at me because the whole world is wrong.
Not me that was wrong, bu the whole world.
How the fuck does that make it right to blow up on me when I didn't do anything?

You're reasoning is horrible. You make no sense.
And if you think you do, fucking explain it better because I don't see how:
"It was the world's fault= I will yell at my girlfriend."

All I wanted, was to know that you felt bad about yelling at me for no reason.
I wanted to hear you were SORRY, so I don't have to feel like this person who has to sit hear, and be yelled at, and listen to you treat me like NOTHING. SCUM. DIRT. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But you show no remorse, you don't even think what you did was wrong. Which means that it'll happen again, and again, and again.
I will not sit here and just be taken advantage of...
I want someone who will treat me right... and at least own up to his mistakes when he knows he hasn't..............................


I am so frustrated. My head is spinning and it hurts.

Dear You,

(Moved from Tumblr... LOL)
Life is not pointless, but more so, difficult. On the contrary, I believe it is an absolute opportunity.
How you’re feeling is normal. Under your circumstances, what has happened to you, I admire you so much for putting a smile on your face, any day, if not every.

Trust me, I also feel the same way. Different circumstances, but I also wondered if I was clinically depressed.
Just today….. I felt like curling up into a ball on my bed, with my blanket, some hot chocolate. Do NOTHING else. Today was just such a depressing day.
I feel like it’s either normal, or we both need help…. LOL.
And if you go, so will I! <3
But honestly, I think you’ll be just fine. You still fight, any chance you can, to have a good time, and be known, be happy.
Sometimes you aren’t happy all the time. Who is?
Just don’t give up, because circumstances will change if you make them change.
(This is in general, not with all situations.)

I just have a lot of faith in you. I really do.
You should know that I will always have faith in you.

You’ll have something to look forward to soon.
Just have to put up w/ the bad, for just a while longer.
AND I’LL BE HOME <3
And who knows, Next Year, there’s always the option for you to move in with me in my apartment. :)
I’d be SO excited! I KNOW You’ll love my friends and hell, you’ll make so many new ones of your own!
You’ll be just fine, just keep fighting. <3

Love,
Sherry.

Flipped.

Oh, how the tables have turned.
I used to be the one, who was set off by anything.
He used to be the one, who took my sht, and loved me nonetheless.
I used to be the one, who seemed impossible to please.

Of course, this is a different "HE." My HE now, is where I was before.
Except, I AM trying! I am making an effort, and sacrifices to make this boy happy. Unlike how I was treated....
And yet, nothing works, everything upsets him! He becomes angry, aggravated, and backs the hell away from me. Yelling, using a loud voice.
I despise people that use a loud voice during conversation.
If they can't say it quietly... they have the worse set of patience.
Which makes me think, "Yeah. I can't handle that. Not for the rest of my life."

I love you, you stupid fool.
BUT GET YO' FUCKING ACT STRAIGHT OR IMMA BEAT A BITCH.

........Sorry, that was my impatience towards yelling.
I hate when you talk to a person, SO CALMLY, TRYING TO BE NICE AND SWEET, AND UNDERSTANDING,
AND THEY GO FUCKING BLASTING OFF, "CAN I HANG UP NOW?!"

FUCKKKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU MOTHER FUCKERRR AND EAT NUGGETS YOU LITTLE PIECE OF MAD ANGRY NO PATIENCE LITTLE TWERPING FLIPPING WHIPPING.

I CAN'T EVEN USE MANY CUSSWORDS WITH YOU BECAUSE I FEEL BAD BUT YOU ARE ACTING LIKE SUCH A BFIJNKFMNKSFMSKFMSL B-....GIRL!!!!!!!!!!! A FUCKING LITTLE PMS-ING GIRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLl

....Ah, that felt so good. I think I'm going to go party right now and let it out.

You know why?
BECAUSE I HAVE THE OPTION TO FUCKING PARTY WITH DRUNK FRAT GUYS ANYTIME I WANT,
I just FUCKING DON'T BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORRY OR FEEL LIKE I'M FORGETTING YOU.


FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear You,

I have not forgotten about you.
Really, I haven't. I check your blog every chance I get, -if not on a daily basis. I've been really busy lately, school, work, other obligations, just trying to enjoy college.
Honestly, it's not that I'm replacing you, or forgetting you. I have such faith in us, and I know we'll remain friends for as long as possible.
I'm just trying to make the most out of college, to be independent, to explore the world, every thing. I know that you've been trying to hang out, and trust me I do really want us to hang out! It's just that, 1. I'm freaking terrified of coming to visit you because lets face it, I'd get lost going to my own house from the freeway, 2. I've had absolutely no time except for every 2-3 weeks where I go home just to relax.
I really do love SF though, I want to visit! That'd be so much fun. :>
Although these new girls I'm meeting, I love with all my heart already, they will never replace you.
I have a confession to make: This past year, with everything that has happened between us. I felt a lot of different emotions.. It really did hurt me what happened. I felt distanced from you, forgotten by you, like a bother. We stopped having those crazy memories together. It seemed like every time we hung out was just to calm down, and relax. And I loved the times we hung out! But really, it hurt me that when we hung out, you had all these crazy stories with your other friends, the same friends that I felt I was losing you to; I missed being the one you had crazy memories with.
Ever since then, I didn't know what to do. I was just, so numb, and felt like my best friend was doing so much better with out me, to a point where I stopped trying to hang out with you because you were doing better on your own.
But that never changed the love I have for you.
Even though, even now, I feel like once winter, or summer hits, you'll be well on your way with your close group you formed, you'll always have an important place in my heart.
These girls are the ones I'm just enjoying my time with, experimenting stupid things. But, at the same time, I could never picture them on the same level we are. I don't think I'll be as close to them as I am with you.
And I'll be completely honest; I feel so happy that you're putting in such an effort. I actually feel like such a priority, like I'm wanted in your life. And from the bottom of my heart, in the best, non-offensive way possible, I really haven't felt like this from you in a while. And I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, I SWEAR, it's NOT an attack!!!!!!!!! I'm just, being honest, really really honest. I'm kind of dreading winter break, because I feel like once that hits you'll be busy with your other life again.

But, anyways,
You should never feel like I'm forgetting you.
It'll always be you and I.

....I feel like I just wanted to spill my guts out so this post really didn't make much sense.... haha.
But.. I hope you understood my nearly invisible point.

I am horribly abandonment-afraid.

I've always been afraid of the concept of, "Someone better".. And honestly, it has happened, plenty of times, which has scarred me.

I'm just so tired of finding these great people, having all this fun and memories, great friendship, only to feel left out when they find someone better.

It always makes me wonder, "What is it about me that tires people out?"
"What is it about these other people that are so much better than me?"

Hm... I don't know. I think the reason I get so clingy to people, always searching for the one group of friends, one person, who I can have a "best friend" relationship with, who I can feel safe enough and know they won't want to leave me, they won't WANT anything better than what I give, is because I know my flaws, and deep down I know it probably will never happen because there is just too much wrong with me and my emotions.

....haha, just had to type that.

Loving College!

At the same time, I feel like I am living in two different worlds.

The hectic life of a college student,
And the serene loving life of a SJ civilian.

MORE ON THIS LATER.

A lot of talk, and rumors.

I have no idea which to believe. I want the close friends, the sisterhood. The security. But is it worth it? Yes, you do have to pay. Although this one is much cheaper than the rest.. I have no money. I have literally no extra money to be spending. Is it because they work? Is that how they afford everything? I don't work, I don't know how I'll be able to pay for it. With that money, I could do SO much more..

However, I'm thinking of joining, because when I come back home to my dorm, I love my floor, but I know we won't have "the closeness." That I want. The Sigma's, they were actually real with me. I believe them when they say that "After the dorm, you'll hardly see them again. They'll just be people you see. Everyone is going to start studying. The closest finds you'll have and bond with will be the ones you knew in HS."

I don't want that. (only) I want the college life that everyone talks about. And since I have the chance, I should take it. Right?
...Just, why do you have to pay so much for "friendship" and "sisterhood."

Oh well, If anything, I can always DP. And maybe, when I know how much I was missing, how much I wanted it, I will be able to commit, and pay, full-hearted-ly.
Because come on now, a sister ain't rich.

Now... to decide whether this is for me, or not..

Best Friend Left For College.

Although I was sad to see her leave, I didn't cry as I left her. Why? Not because I won't miss her, but because I couldn't seem to grasp the fact that she would be living there, and I would be living at Berkeley.
Then, I went home and started packing. It has begun to hit me, seeing that I have to get rid of so many things in my room, leaving it empty. That I won't be in this environment that I am so used to (even though it has proven very lonely in the past). My summer has been great, honestly. Despite the rough patch of loneliness here and there I feel so happy to have the friends I do, and the memories I've had this summer.
As I read Sheri's letter she had written to me, I cried. I broke down in tears. Because I realized, this is a part of life. That we are going to grow apart, and things won't be easier for us from here. And what hit me the most was that, no matter what, things won't be the same. I could stay here, be surrounded by the same place, same environment, but nearly everyone else would have been gone. My reason for wanting to keep things the same would have changed anyways. We all have to move on, this hard, overwhelming time period is something we ALL must do.

I'm not afraid, really. I just, feel so overwhelmed, I don't feel ready. I'm not ready to let go of this summer, let go of the friendship and bonds I have formed, let go of my family to be independent. Everything is just happening so fast. I don't know how long it's going to take me to adjust. I know I'm going to be okay, soon. I know I will love my time there. But as of right now, it's just so hard to grasp. It's happening so quickly. I just feel so caught off guard.

Best Friend, I love you, so much. And I know that things will never be the same as how it used to be, but like you said, you will always have a place in my heart. I will never forget you, and I will always appreciate every moment of everyday we've spent together.

Fair well San Jose, I know I'm being a bit more dramatic then I have to be, but I just can't help it. I just feel SO overwhelmed. Even the amount of times I put "overwhelmed" is overwhelming.


Shout Outs (people OTHER than best friend because I wrote you a letter :D.. LOL) :

1. Hello there, you silly girl. I will never forget this summer. You were such a big part of picking me up while I felt down. When I felt alone, you, in any way possible, let me know I was in your thoughts. It is thanks to you, that I have so many fun -though embarrassing- memories. This was one wacky, life changing summer for us both, huh? .... Mostly my life changed because YOURS did, but you see my point. I will miss you so much. The constant laughing, the skipping and dancing in public, loud ear-piercing voices of ours. I pray to god that our friendship will never change. I need your sense of crazy humor to compliment mine. I Love You <3 Even though you'll be far away from me physically, I hope that you will continue to call me if you're down, tell me about your day every now and then. You hold such an important part in my life, and have never failed to brighten up my day when I needed it most. I wish you the best of luck where ever you may be, and just know that you'll always be welcomed, and I'll always be here for you. You'll always hold a place in my heart.

2. Although I changed so much because of you, because of us, I am so happy you are still one of my best friends. Who would have thought that the dorky looking boy would end up being one of my favorite memories of high school? I love everything that you do for me, always putting others in front of you. I don't think you're a push over at all, I think you are just being THE RIGHT KIND OF PERSON. Thank you, for always being there for me. Your selfless acts, your clueless-ness, your awkward yet entertaining humor. I will miss it all. It makes me sad to see that you won't be in school with me anymore. I mean, I'm sad that I have no best friends going to school with me, but honestly, I'm even more disappointed that out of all those friends, I don't even have you to go to school with me, after these 4 great years..

3. You are like a sister to me. And yes, this summer, you've been absent, but it doesn't matter because you are still like family to me. I loved the time we spent together this summer, when I saw you almost everyday, and although I wish we got to spend more time together in the end, it doesn't matter because I know we'll still be close. We HAVE to be close, I mean, come on, our mothers are like secret lovers or something. Thanks for being one of my -very blunt but honestly opinionated- best friends. I hope you don't have too much fun your last year of college, and just know that I will be back to visit you all the time! (Though you will probably be too busy to notice!!!)

4. Kindergarten. You know, it's funny. I remember when we all "graduated" from kindergarten. That was my last time seeing your before I moved. And then, I remember my first day of first grade. I cried. My mother took me to my classroom, and I cried like a baby. Why? Because it was so many strange, unknown faces, and I KNEW that I would not be seeing you anymore. I KNEW this was not the school my best friend from Kindergarten with. I remember it so vividly. It's funny now to look back on that, and I feel quite foolish, and embarrassed. I always hated change. But now, as I look back on it, I feel so lucky. Because despite how I missed you then, we somehow found each other. And we've been close (I'd like to think so) ever since. It makes me feel so hopeful. And I know that I will be leaving soon, but I've appreciated all our time together, and I'm SO glad that we've remained friends since then. We're all taking a new part of our life, it's so hard for me to accept right now, but I will always have memories of our younger days. And I will always hold a place for you, to make new memories. One of the first people who accepted me, and loved me enough to remember me years from now. I Love You <3

.....Ah, I'm going to take a walk now.

Different.

Like I said, I will try to fight what I feel and see before my eyes. I will fight it to a point where it will seem I don't notice it.

But I have. Things are different, I don't feel like you feel the same way about me as before. I don't feel I feel the same way about you as before.

What I see, I don't feel like it was something you meant to really touch my heart and speak to with me, like the others. I didn't get a feeling of warmth and appreciation, and utter love. Instead, I felt like it was a reminiscing, like I used to be someone so great and important, however now is different.

Haha, I don't know how to explain it, and perhaps it's just because of the situation lately. But I know to give you space, and things will fall into place the way they will be.

Stress.

I am so stressed out about paying for college. All this bill handling, signing up for things, how do I even pay? I don't understand the scholarship and financial thing at ALL. And the deadline is coming up. I have no idea to know how to use the money I have received! It says "paid" but paid where? It's no in my bank account, so where is?? I don't want all my hard work to be cancelled out from some reconcile to pay!

I wish they could just sit down with me, and walk me through the process so I can do it on my own next year.

But no. No one has helped me. It's been a lot of e-mailing, over and over, vague answers, a lot of "I don't know"s and going crazy.

It's just SO stressful. Seeing these things no one warned me about, even though I check my e-mail EVERYDAY somehow these random, "You have not ----, if you do not ---- in time, your money will not be paid to you!" I mean, what IS this??? 5 days before I "pay" my last bill? When I asked WEEKS ago, "What is the process of this?" E-MAILING IS NOT ENOUGH DETAIL AND HELP ANYMORE. APPARENTLY I DON'T GET IT...

AG, So frustrating. I just want someone to SIT DOWN WITH ME AND EXPLAIN IT WHILE GOING OVER IT WITH ME.

I'm being pushed into the adult bill paying world. I can't mess this up.

Splendid.

"You often make jokes, and bring on that gentle smile during an intense conversation. But I see through it every time, hun. I know you're hurting."

I had a dream last night, in which my boyfriend said this to me.
However, it was a 'flashback' dream because I do remember him saying this to me during my last breakdown.

.....On a lighter note, (I wonder if this is what he's talking about by 'changing the subject to hide my sadness' kinda thing) I was sad because someone ate the last of my coco puffs, and he gave me that speech about hiding my pain. o_O so uh..

School.

I am so looking forward to when I move in, but the thing is, I know things will change.

My life right now isn't the best, probably, but it is pretty great. Not very exciting, but very comforting. A little lonely, but a lot of closeness. I have adapted to it so well.

Before, I looked forward to the chance of moving away to school, to create a new lifestyle, to finally endure that "welcome week" I've always pictured the adventures that will soon come my way. However, it has just hit me that now, after that "welcome week" that I imagine is over, I will not be coming back home. I will be living there. Berkeley, will be my home. My home away from home. I won't be coming home to my mother, and my friends, and my boyfriend to tell stories of my great week experience, I will be continuing that experience, without them, even after the "welcome" has finished it's part.

It's hit me that I am leaving home. I am sad, and I know I will be so homesick.. I know I will miss everything so much, all that I have here. All that I've taken granted of, always wishing for new experiences.

I know I won't be that far, but just knowing that I will only see them 2, maybe 3 days a week. I don't know.. haha, when I say it now it doesn't seem so bad, but hell, I am so easily homesick, especially when I take part in knowing how long we will be apart.

This will change my life, because it will mark my change towards independence. A part of me doesn't want to be independent, because it's not about the work, but it's about my mother.
I am a huge mama's girl. I want her to feel needed by me, but in all honesty, sometimes I feel like she needs me a lot more then I need her.

I am so worried for her, I want to take her with me.. So worried..
I am looking forward to next summer, when I want to take her to VN, and let her know how much I love her.

Of course, according to my boyfriend, she'd have to share me with him, because I have to provide that feeling of love for him also!
Next summer, don't let me down like this summer. (This summer is NOT bad, btw! I just expected a lot more, which I know is bad.. lol )Be filled with the adventures I crave, let me appreciate what a great life I have.

BARRAGE OF CINDY:

(I read these, and jeesus, I couldn't agree more.)

Each and every minute I find another reason why I want to leave. Everything is so unbearable now.

I’m just not use to people being mean to me. I don’t think I’ll ever get use to it.

The smallest things win me over.

I don’t know if this is insecurities or what, but I’m getting pretty tired of looking in the mirror and seeing what’s looking back at me.

When you tell your business, everybody’s listening. When you tell your problems, everybody’s missing.

No matter how carefully I choose my words with you, you always end up twisting it around.

And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have.

I hate how conflicted I feel about you.

I feel trapped.

In this routine life style that does not change.
Always having to find something to do, because I only know the same people, who have their own people.

I kind of want to start school already. I don't like this lonesome depressed feeling.

At the same time, I KNOW I could enjoy my time here if I could only find a NEW experience to occupy my free-time.

I wish I was a bit more religious so I could partake in some 'Youth Group' organization or something..

I don't like feeling like a boring bothersome tag along to people. I like being the person others want to be around, not just having them there because they feel bad for them.

11035 people talking I am bored. I'm bored too. What should I do? You should stay strong, and smile every day.

Didn't thnk Cleverbot would give me motivational advice.

Don't have much to look forward to now a days.

This has been quite a boring summer for me.
Though, sure, there has also been a lot of fun. :)

It's been really calm, peaceful.
I'm pretty tired of always having to be the one to ask out others, though.

I'm ready for some crazy summer adventures, but I have no one to share them with.

Last Mental Breakdown: 07162011

Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend can't understand me at all.
And yet other times I feel like he understands me better than I understand myself.

Today, he spent the whole day with me, cheering me up from my mental breakdown last night. He made me realize that every mental breakdown occurs FAR too often, every so often. And it's always with the same thing. My dad, my family, feeling isolated and unwelcome in my own home. Feeling as though I've lost my best friends.

You see, it's because ever since I was little. I was always kind of isolated from my family, the ones around me anyways.
When I stayed at my grandparents, they neglected me. I always walked around outside, and made friends there.
For so long, my friends have BEEN my family.
It seemed like everyone I considered as close as family had disappeared this year. And I guess it just shot me down and brought me to tears.

"You're good at hiding your depression. And I guess it's good, because no one can see it, but at the same time you are just building it up until you go berserk."
Obviously, "Berserk" wasn't the BEST word choice, but I understood what he was trying to say.
It's true. I hide my depression. But ONLY because I am depressed so very often. SO to stop that, and hopefully beat my "no crying" record of _____months. (its embarrassing) I MUST distract myself ONCE I start feeling a little depressed!

ACTIVITIES I CAN DO:
-Clean Room
-Make Over
-Shower
-...Explore..?
-..........DANCE AROUND OUTSIDE IF I AM HOME ALONE
-WORK OUT!
-I had more ideas that I can'think of, damn it!! I knew I should've written this last night.

PS - Don't force boyfriend to eat too much ice cream, even if you think he wants it. -_- When he wants to stop, believe that he actually does not want anymore, instead of thinking he's just being nice. Apparently, he is NEVER, THAT nice.

I kind of had this image,

Of what senior year summer would be like.
Late night adventures, laughing, catching up, with you.
I looked forward to finally getting to spend quality time with you, actually making it seem like "our title" wasn't just a "title". Every year, we would always lose connection during the school year, and then rekindle it during the summer.
However, I guess this year won't be like that.
It used to be normal, to not see you after a while and then spend a night having an adventure. Going somewhere for 3 days? Sure! Now however, I feel like it would be different.

I told myself I would forget about it, but after watching the last Harry Potter of all time, I watched as the trio grew up. My first time watching it, I was about 9, around the same age as them. I watched it with my best friend. Since then, we had a tradition of watching all the Harry Potter movies together. (though, maybe I am being delusional..I honestly thought we did.) This time, however, I watched the 3 children that I practically grew up watching, but when I turned to my side, it was not the person I grew up watching them with. It hurt to see that we were no longer close, like I was forgotten, like we had split up.

Watching them, and living this, has made me feel like things will probably never be how they were. We are off to college, to live our own lives. Even though I really do want to be a part of your life, I'm never really invited to be a part of yours, anymore.

I mean, I understand though. This is the last year that you will probably see your great group of friends as much as you do now. The last time. I get it, honestly. I mean, if I had a close group of friends like that, I would be just the same.

I know that, what seems like forever, our friendship has always kind of been "long distance." It's just, there were always the little things that made that distance seem so much smaller than it was. However... now it seems like those traditions, promises, conversations, have moved on as well.

This is nothing more than just my thoughts. It is not a hopeless cry to guilt the other person, nor is it an attempt to rekindle anything. I understand that, sometimes things grow apart to make room for better things. And if they have found those better things, what is wrong with that? There is no reason for me to feel bitterly towards it. I am just a bit sad is all. :) Honestly.

I still want to be a part of your life though, even if it's not such a big part. Therefore, I will continue to ask you out!

I can only hope that when I go to Berkeley, I will find a close group of friends I can call my own, as well, so that maybe, this small little pain in my chest will be eased. I will never forget, nor take back my appreciation for all those years spent, though.

HAHA......I just realized how dramatic I am getting.. I think it's because I just witnessed the final Harry Potter in history.....

WHICH WAS VERY GOOD, BTW. <3

Butterflies.

Can you remember the first time you ever thought, "My god," every time you laid eyes on them? I do. I remember that physical attraction then turning into a crush, as every text message from him would make me smile. Even a simple, "hahaha" would make me feel as if I had made his day, just a tad bit happier. I miss it. I miss feeling like his favorite part of the day, I miss him being my favorite part of the day. I miss our random adventures, his effort to win me over, those butterflies.

"Look! I have a mustache :{D"
"Hahaha you just made my day already"
Filipino club car wash, how I remember so vividly.

Maybe it's because you've just been so cranky lately. But I just feel like, I don't make you as happy as I used to. You don't feel the need to go out of your way, because you are so comfortable. And hell, so I am. I am comfortable, to the point where the butterflies have disappeared. Sure, sometimes I feel lighter than air, but, I don't know. I wish it were more often.
I'm going to be starting school soon, away from this, and I'm just wondering how that'll be, for both of us. I know I'll miss it here, but at the same time.. I am looking forward to it.

I'm looking forward to having things to do, things to keep my mind off of you. I'm looking forward to having fun adventures, without holding you back. Looking forward to knowing you're getting your freedom from me, so when you want to see me, you generally want to see me.

....But then again, that probably won't happen until at least 2 months into the school year..... LOL.

Oh, the curse of being a Gemini. The curse of being Me. Always needing new experiences, new memories, to be content and happy. I always need to feel like I am moving forward. But then again, it is because of this need I have that I was found myself in the most outrageous situations of all time..

):

My heart is absolutely pounding. I am so worried stricken. Never have I been so scared for someone else’s, a close friends, safety. This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I could have lost someone, and I couldn’t, and still can not do ANYTHING to help.

I just want you to know, that it’s been a very rough day, you’ve had a ROUGH night, and morning, but you will always have those that care about you. I don’t expect you to cheer up right away, or get over it. You deserve a grand amount of time to sulk, and rant, and cry. It is not, was not, and will not, be your fault.

I have no means of transportation, and no way of getting to you soon. But I am going to change, and look up bus directions, just in case..

I Love You, and I AM here for you.

Hm,

My friends have all started noticing how bitchy my bf can be.
And I can't even really explain the good side of him, because it seems unbelievable, or rare, because the last few times they've seen him he has been cranky.

This is quite funny, in the most serious way.

Sometimes,

I really dislike how you answer my cheerfulness with tired impatience.
Makes me wonder why we are so incompatible.

Thankfully for me, I usually bootycall up some random plans, and then YOU come to me, and make it up.

SO, HAAAA. I WILL SEE YOU SOON, LOSER!

Booooooo.

"Can't say no,"
You said 'no' to me. :(

Can't get over how nice my cleavage looks today ;)

JUST BECAUSE

My boobs looks HELLLLAAAAAA NICE TODAY! Hahahaha!
Time to get rid of this tanline at the poooool today! >:)

Romantic things,

I love my relationship(...sometimes, LOL), and I love my boyfriend. However, sometimes, when I read about other stuff, (AKA SHERI NGUYEN. HAHA) I wish we could do some of those romantic things also! I mean, I think of things, but can't exactly do it. He's either too busy, or our plans go astray. He on the other hand, lol, I'm not sure if he'd plan it, all of his past attempts have failed! Because I am far too good at accidentally figuring out the surprise ): All of our romantic moments have been by complete accident, improvised, just a random "Want to blah?" "Sure!" kind of thing.

Well, maybe this weekend, if I have the car, I can plan something special for the two of us. And he can NOT say that he is too lazy to drive, because I'll be driving ;)

Oh a more random note: I think he looks really sexy when he drives. I never thought I'd be the kind of girl to dig guys that drive really well, but I am. I mean, even with his kinda old car he looks sexy, then he drives my car. The brand new looking white Honda Accord, and ohhhhh papa. You sexy as hell.

....I am never going to tell him that. Because he ALWAYS calls me ugly, so I will do nothing but call him ugly as well! I'll just admire, in silence.

ANYWAYS, a quick list of things I know about him:
-Loves sourpatch kids.
-Plays video games (sometimes)
-Loves mystery shows/detective work
-Relaxing at the beach, just basking in the sun.
-Taking walks
-Playing tag.
.....Technology.

WHAT THE HELL. HOW CAN I WORK WITH THIS?! LOL


....Damn it. One of these days I really have to start remembering when he tells me about his likes...

Faith

It's funny how faith works. When you have a great deal of faith for someone, you automatically lose sense of the possible negative outcome that could happen. And even though, those negative outcomes can, and have happened so many times in the past, that faith makes you forget about all those times. And sure enough, it happens, in the absolutely wrong time. When you're happy to finally see him after a few days, when you're about to leave for a few days, even when they day should be loving, and calm, it is not. You guys break out into an argument. A stupid one, at that, and it hurts so much more, because of what you were expecting.
I guess that is the difference between wishing for something with faith, and wishing for something you've given up in. Like my family for example, I've given up that we will ever be a happy family, so when I hope for a happy day, and it doesn't work, it's easily acceptable. I've seen it coming, it happened, I leave. However, for things you have faith in, want to desperately believe in, it hurts more, and you just can't seem to let it go. This happens until finally, what you had faith in, you lose. And then you will be on to phase 2, where you just accept and move on.

I don't know what I have to do to be happy in this relationship. I'm happy a majority of the time. But everytime we have a small argument, it turns into a huge one. Everytime, that hurts far more then any large argument my past relationships have had.
And then, I forget about what we argued about, unless they actually meant a great deal to me, (only 1 in counting so far.)

As I sat in Wendy's last night, across the street from you and your friends, I went into fits of rage, disappointment, confusion, and finally a calm acceptance. I began thinking about a lot of things, and wondered why such a small fuss always seems to be dramatized into something bigger because of the yelling of your voice, or the coldness of your actions.
I dislike unreasonable yelling. To me, yelling just reminds me of my father. He does not give logical reasons for his actions, so instead he yells for what he wants. "CLOSE MY DOOR." "I JUST DON'T LIKE IT." Yelling is a desperate attempt to have the other person fall into your anger, and hopefully shut up, subsiding into your whim. I've grown up with this, and also grown up doing the rebellious thing.
Because when I love someone, the small favors they ask of me, I don't mind doing. It's no big deal, I'll try new things for them, try old thing for them, do repeatedly boring things for them. So when I ask them to do such a small favor, I expect a good reason for why they can not do it. Not just "I don't like to." Why? Because I don't get why your preference, in such a small issue, is more important than my benefit.

How I wish

that my family chose that "Flint Ave" house so close to yours.
it was quite crappy, but hell, I would've been so close to you.
And I'm sure we would be SO much closer than we are now.
Because my damn distance.

*sigh* Oh how I wish.

To a very special person.

I knew you were having a rough time that night, it was obvious, and I was stupid for not asking if you were alright, and I really should have asked if you were already.
(I have so much to say in different varying topics that I can not even put it together right now.)

He is NOT a bigger priority then you. I promise you that. I absolutely do.
If he made plans with me, (unless they were like, super important or something) vs plans you made w/ me, I WOULD go to you. I SWEAR BY IT.
I Love You, and lately, I've been so bad at showing it.
I really don't know how to explain this.. because honestly it's going to make me sound like an idiot either way I try, but here it goes.
I am too nice to him.
I wanted both of you guys to be there, but honestly I really wished that you guys got to talking more.. and for him, I KNEW that he would feel uncomfortable around all those people, that he would not even make an effort to really talk to them. However, I was really surprised that you also felt that way. I've never seen you so quiet, I had no idea what to do. It was so strange not seeing jump from place to place talking to people like you usually would. I for one thing did NOT call you clingy, because I KNOW you are absolutely the complete opposite of that! And was the main reason I was so surprised.
I did take you for granted that night, I am so sorry. I really am. I really wanted to have a great time with the both of you.
And honestly, from the bottom of my heart, halfway through the waiting, around the time he kept asking for the stupid elevator that I just wanted to get over so he'd stop asking. I thought to myself, "It might have been better to bring my mother and thing(you)."
It might sound like I am trying to butter this up, that I am lying, that I am trying to make false hope or whatever, but I am NOT.
I know that he does that.
I told him "STOP. You are making her feel blah blah"
He does not take me seriously.
I was too weak to actually put my foot down and explain to him not to.
I am so sorry that I acted so stupidly.

I am terribly, terribly, sorry.
*sigh*

Oh baby,

You are such a sweetie.
You would literally probably go to the end of time for me and back. Your actions are just so damn adorable.
Sometimes, I really wonder how lucky I am. I really feel like I am the luckiest person a live. I mean, sure, some things of my life.... aren't great.. but then, I find other things that are spectacular.

I remember when I first met you, I found you so damn attractive, it was strange! The first person -non celebrity- that I had this complete infatuation(in the sense only connected by looks). I never once thought we'd be together, hell, you were just my piece of eye candy.

And then, we started to hang out, we saw each other all the time. I didn't even begin to realize that you had begun to chase me. Asking to hang out, somehow getting my number and texting me, somehow getting my aim and iMing me! You hunted me down.

At first, I thought, 'hey, he's just flirting. nothing big.'
And then that night happened, when you confessed to me. Deep down, I had always liked you too. Of course, in the like-dislike, sense. Because you drove me fricken' crazy.

When you told me about your feelings. I was scared. I couldn't tell if you were some player, or the sweetest guy in the world.
However, I took my chance, and fell for you. Best decision I've ever made.

...Thanks for stealing the centerpiece for me yesterday :'D So cute. LOL
"I WENT TO 5-6 DIFFERENT TABLES ASKING IF I COULD HAVE IT FOR YOU"
LOL.

I love so many things about you.
I love that eversince I told you about my tongue swelling reaction to pineapples, you'd nearly fly across the room to scream, "THAT HAS PINEAPPLE! YOU'RE ALLERGIC" when I'm about to eat ANYTHING with even a TRACE of pineapple.
I love the look in your eyes, when you tell me you feel special, just because you're with me.
I love that you can actually SURPRISE me.

I love how much faith you have for us, even though your straightforwardness is a bit scary.. at times...

AND... I love.....
How you look in a dress shirt and all dress up *hummana hummana hummana*.

To you,

All those years, of you ruining our family.
All those times you doubted me, called me names.
Told me that I would screw up my life, told me it was already too late.
Showing your current lack of faith.

Stealing my money, claiming that I didn't even work hard for it anyways, that I didn't deserve all the nice things I had, even though I probably paid for, with my own money, 80% of them.

Despite all those things the younger me constantly did, always trying to win your approval, your confidence in me, every little certificate I saved way back from kindergarten, just to remind myself that I am not what you say I am.
Always, it ended up in the trash if I showed you. Always, you'd regard it as nothing.
Thanks for missing my graduation, thanks for "mixing up the date" and going gambling instead. Thanks for blowing my mother's money when you could have been showing me support as I walked the stage.

Did I tell you I made it to UC Berkeley?
Did I tell you that I've had my own job, and needed none of your help all these years?
That you, have done nothing but slow me down, and yet, I am still here today?

I have only one song to show you.

My boyfriend.

So, you will be gone for 3 days.

As you left me, I thought, "It's only 3 days, they'll go by like nothingggg!"
Now I am sitting on my desk. And I miss you.
Though... I'm hoping it's not because I'm bored.. Lol.
I want to call you, but, I shall not cling to you.

Go hun, have the time of your life in Las Vegas. Live it up.
I Love You to have fun, and just get the most out of your life.
<+3 Be the person you want to be, no restrictions other than your own guilt and feelings, because that is the man I want to love.

See you on Sunday. :) <+3
I am expecting lots and lots of presents and souven- I AM JK!

I must suck of my fear of leaving my mother behind.
I must, move out, with hope and trust that she will be fine without me, she won't forget me. My brother will take good care of her.
I will have a talk with him, as well as some close friends, to check up on mother for me while I am gone.

I must go to school, and make her proud. And find a well paying job.
So I can take care of the woman who has loved me so much.

Even if that means, I will not see her as often anymore.

It is almost 1AM.

And it has just hit me, that I am an Alumni.
I am no longer a James Lick High School Student, but instead -a graduate.

And it filled me with such a bittersweet feelings.
The times of loneliness, wanting nothing more but another spring break, another day off, another escape from school.
But really, these years were the best years of my life, and senior year, the best year of my life.
I really appreciate the fact that I went to James Lick High School.
Perhaps not the most "out there" or "fun" school, but nonetheless this year was still fun and grand to me.

I can not fathom, or better stated, accept the fact that I will not be coming back.
I can not believe that in a few months, I will be moving out, into a new world.
It pains me, yet excites me.

I look at pictures from my graduation, and what hurts me the most is the pictures of my mother and I.
I love my mother so much. I don't want to leave her behind.
I don't want to leave her in the wrecked house, where she will yell, and scream, and I won't be there to protect her,or talk to her, or cheer her up anymore.

I am so sad at the fact that I have been so negligent to my dear mother lately, I miss being the girl that would wake up 7am to clean the entire house, leave a card saying "Good Morning! I Love You Mom!" and some type of failed cooking on her desk.

I Miss That. I Miss Her.
I'm just not ready to let her go.
):

"What's wrong with that? Can't I just look at my wife?"

......hehe.. lol.

"I'll always be your knight, whether you like it or not."

<3

Not studying.

Instead, I looked over at all my old blog posts.

Wow.

I really really had an issue with commitment... I am so emotionally indecisive.
Its like, I Love him, I don't, I'm scared to like him, I'm embracing it.

Haha, it's funny too. Because there was this one post that said,
"You still have a wall. That he is desperately trying to break down."

And that made me smile. Because, it is so true. He was desperately trying to break it down. You can not even begin to imagine, this boy, this love of mine, he is always thinking ahead, always telling me these corny love lines straight from a book, always trying his damn best to assure me, "I will always be there. I WILL."
When he hurt me, it was from my doubt, while the only thing that hurt him was my doubt.
He wants to be my knight in shining armor, he wants to be everything I want in a relationship. And it's just damn adorable how hard he tries.
(........Sometimes. When he's not into his ipod touch. LOL)

He is the only person in this world, who takes corny lines straight from the book, and mean it with all his heart.

Haha, I'm not even sure if I have a wall left anymore,
I'm even hesitating to put this, since it's only been a year, but damn it.

I am so in love with you, Mr.Princess.

Some things to remember next time we are about to fight;

iitsurhpaarty 10:02 pm
NOTHINNNG
LOL
It was just because
it was like
it felt like Henry
he was acting like Henry
and I was like "I don't want this to happen again.... ):"
and then other shizznits
and I was SO close to breaking up w/ him

ilysherii 10:03 pm
O_O
wtf
wtf
WTF
??!?

iitsurhpaarty 10:03 pm
Lol
we're good now
I don't know for how long =/
But I'm pretty happy right now and yesterday :-D

ilysherii 10:04 pm
:/
nuo! sometimes i feel like
youre too scared of being attached to him
like you were of henry
and youre def. holding back

iitsurhpaarty 10:06 pm
I'm just scared ):
He is SO bad at understanding things.
-_-
like really bad
and communication is my THING

iitsurhpaarty 10:06 pm
everytime we fight
the only way we make up
is either, we both shut up and move on
or he makes me stop talking some how by kissing me or something because he doesn't want to fight anymore
And idk you know, I mean, it works now, but what if it gets irritating later on
I don't want to be in a relationship where I am so much more in love w/ the guy then he is w/ me ):

ilysherii 10:07 pm
i honestly dont think
that will ever be the case
with you and him

iitsurhpaarty 10:08 pm
Why do you think that?

ilysherii 10:08 pm
bc i know the way he cares about you sherry
lol

ilysherii 10:08 pm
i can feel it whenever hes around you
he will always be the one to love you more

iitsurhpaarty 10:09 pm
Even if I become continuously bitchy and nag and irritated?
):

ilysherii 10:09 pm
Well, do you want him to leave you?

iitsurhpaarty 10:10 pm
No ):

ilysherii 10:10 pm
Then your wall thing
It needs to go.





It Needs To Go.
<+3 Love my best friend.

You held my hand, and squeezed it tight.

And with the softest, sweetest voice of concern, you said, "Don't Leave Me.."

Hello!

Oh my, it's been a while since a long, in depth blog.
Will you get one from me tonight? Most likely not.

But anywho, I feel like typing up' a story. So here goes!

About a year ago, I met this boy.
I didn't think he'd become anyone special, in my eyes, he was this attractive guy, this party animal, this flirtatious little man whore, who probably dated and dated and clubbed, and clubbed, and moved on and on.

I was wrong.

No no, instead, he was this guy who always walked my way. Always started some conversation with me. Always called me fat, and ugly, and sleep deprived, the laziest bum in the world. He was a guy who would wait, and smile when I asked him for a ride home, the guy who said I drank pepsi, when all the cool kids drank alcohol, the guy who hardly ever went clubbing, and didn't care much about it. The guy who cknew we weren't supposed to be, but didn't care.
No, Oh no, he did not care. He chased after me.

I rejected him so many times. In the back of my mind I always thought, "Is he just playing around? No no, we're just friends. This is probably how he treats his friends."

And then one night, on a secluded hill, he pulled me into his arms, to watch the view with him, slow dance with no music on, hike to find squirrels and deer! Until finally, he whispered, "I Like You."

Of course, I blinked, I stepped away. I wasn't feeling butterflies, more like "OH NO, YOU ARE NOT PLAYING ME. I WILL NOT FALL FOR SOME ACT TO GET SOME ACTION."

And he continued to pursue me, to confuse me, to make me wonder, "Is this really happening?"

It's been one year since we've gotten together.
Things haven't really changed between us, I am still, the ugliest, fattest, laziest girl in his world. <+3

.......now I suddenly feel super bummed.

Lol, going to watch friends and go to sleep.

Kinda feels heartbreaking, for some strange reason?
...very interesting.

)';

things didn't go as i would've hoped.

A bit disappointed that the idea didn't excite them as much as it did for me.
Can make one feel quite inferior compared to the more awesome, closer living, friends.

=/ Oh well thoughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


Oh well.............................................):
I'm just a wee bit depressed. A bit.

BUT IT'S COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.
JUST GOING TO SLEEP IT OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

MY THROAT IS IN SO MUCH PAIN

Damn Tapioca Express's loud ass asian fobs for making me yell at the top of my damn lungs. )':

....So, hi guys. I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because this is my more 'private' blog.


Haha, I'm pretty scared right now.
I'm in denial, kind of.
And I also accept it, kind of.
I don't know how I feel about him.
Am I infatuated? Am I...... In Love?
I mean, I think I am, but as always my heart and mind are debating.
The flaws us Gemini's have, never agree-ing on the essences of love.

I had a dream, that Daisy Cornchips became a hippy w/ a super deep voice? I think it was because Thurs everyone was checking her out or something..?

Well, today was a good-then bad- then good- then great- day.
Probably Thanks to the t-rex armed quarter guy, really cheered me up haha.
I sooo wanted to go to the beach with babaaaaaaaaacakes.


Yuuuupppppppp.... I am jittery, and hungry right now!
So guys, here is something I don't say in public often, though I am now starting to opening say it to him, which is bad, because then we will start abusing it...

I LOVE HIM. I THINK I AM POSSIBLY IN LOVE WITH HIM
HOLY- WHAT??!?! I SAID NOTHING. YOU ARE MISTAKEN.
WHAT MOM?!?!?!?!? I'M COMING MOM!!!!!!

Memories

Ever since I was little, I would tell myself, "I don't need anyone to be happy. I can make myself happy."
In typical asian families, the son is always more adored.
Why? He is a male. He is the one who will carry the family name.
He is the one that will be taken everywhere, while you are the one in the daycare.
He is the reason you will question why you never got to be included in the family trips, the reason why you will wonder what is so wrong with you, why he is so much better than you are.

Sure, childhood wasn't all fun and games. It got kind of lonely.
But because of that, I am who I am.
While at the daycare, I learned to make new friends.
While being left home alone at age 6, I learned to make fried eggs and rice for the first time.
By not having my parents home when I got home from school, I learned to walk home, 9PM. pitch black.


I remember all those things.
They weren't such happy memories then.
But they made me who I am today.

By the time high school rolled around. Everything changed.
I had better grades.
He was failing a class.
I was getting invited to scholar events.
He was playing games until 3AM.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, my family came to me.
Wanted to be involved with me, in everything.z

What exactly does that mean? Good thing? Bad? I don't know.
But what it taught me is,
You must be the person others will want to be around.
Don't be the person wishing they wanted you to be around.
Nothing will happen if you just sit and complain and mope.
Things won't always go your way, you need to find things that will.

Nonetheless, despite EVERYTHING.
I really think that I am a lucky individual.
I feel I am blessed. I feel really grateful.

I just wanted to say that.
Life is not easy. But neither is achieving happiness.

Fuck the simple shit.
Life needs some challenges so we don't forget to appreciate everything we have.

I told you,

I'm hoping... it was the truth... not just spur of the moment.

I think it is the truth. I think it is..
but now, my heart is rejecting it..... because I don't want to be hurt.
I am insecure... and I don't want to get hurt.

Now I'm wishing I didn't tell you.
I'm wishing I could've kept that secret, until the right time.


I don't know.
But I Love You. Haha. Silly boy.

I've got to figure out.

NO MORE KISSING.
Kissing is getting repetitive. I need a spark.

Alright. Gotta make this a little exciting.

Today

Great.
Finally, a day of the break with no work, no worries.
Spent a fatass night with Sheri, got picked up by babe. Snuck in a slept.
It felt great, just sleeping, nothing "sexual" just, resting next to each other. Cuddling with a lover story on, laughing about what we did that day.
Waking up to see that they have also woken up at the same time, and you are both smiling at each other now.

Just, great.
I Absolutely, Adore You.

Jealous.

I think it’s just moodswings,
but I don’t feel too important in any aspect right now.
I’m tired of hearing weekly-even monthly- plans someone has with a certain other friend and realize that I have none of these.
Makes me feel like I’m not missed enough or wanted enough for anyone to try and make one with me.
Hmm.

Oh well, it’s just a sad phase right now.
That I can, and will, get over.

This was originally on tumblr, but I felt it was too BLAHFIELD.
But, because I'm guessing this rainy weather's gotten me feeling kinda gloomy, I just need to rant a little.
I'm also thinking, "FUCK. I should've gone to dinner with Princess and meet some of his friends."
I feel up to it right now, just that, I am tired as fuckity and look ugly as crappity, and always feel like I need to impress his friends-like I have standards to live up to- which I can not do with tapioca express and rain showered hair!

Anyways,
So lately, as always, always when it's rainy. My parents have been fighting.
Cool.
My friends from outside of school that I miss have been distant.
Awesome.
...I've been in such an exhausted, "IDGAF" mood.
Dandy.

Just that, all of this adds up, and I feel like this.
But, it's not like it just slapped me in the face, I always get little feelings of non-importance, that build up.
Like every, "I'm just going to pick up --insert-- for our weekly --insert--."
I don't have any of these w/ my close friends who I miss oh so much. ):
It feels like they're forming that close circle, without me in it.
I mean, could distance and business really keep them away from me for such a long time period?
Even though they could equally, if not more, busy but still see their other friends?
Are miles that hard to overcome? All the time, every time?

Hm, I mean, I know they go the extra distance and all.
Idk. this is just how I am.
I am a loser. I feel like I always will be a loser.
I need to change my perspective on things.
I need to meet new people.

Someone throw a party, I need to live.
I'm just not exciting or fun enough.
I'm surprised how I find such long lasting relationships.

.. just had a minor break down.

Damn, I think the stress is getting to me.
I just need some sleep.


ALL BETTER NOW THOUGH.
100% BETTER, EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY FINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

...........



..... Not going to be like before.
I don't. fucking. think. so.

Hello there

This always happens. Auuugh.
Why? Am I just bored?
I think I am just bored with life and need something new..?
I don't even know, but I am tired of feeling bummed out.
Like, I feel bummed out at your actions, but at the same time, even if you had done what I wanted you to, would I still be happy?
Idk.
I think I have a hard time appreciating things right now.
I just don't feel as happy as I can be.
I wish I could though, it's just, mood swings.
I am cranky right now, not looking forward to having to work tomorrow, either.
I want a day, to relax.
A day to like, catch up on some hw, watch tv, ... I don't know.
I am hard to please right now.
But hey, that's just me.

Hey,

Lately Life's been pretty mellow.
Why? Do I need to be "wooh"-ed?

I've realized this about myself recently.
If you want to date me, you must 'wooh' me.
And no, I don't mean in the beginning.
I mean for our whole relationship.
Nah' nah', I'm not saying every day of every week.
But once a month, every 2 months, something to remind me,
"Hey, You have me in this world. And I want to make you happy."
If I do not get this, I will not be happy. I will notice flaws in you, be sad when you go out with friends, I will turn into something you do not want.
Don't let this happen my friends. Do not.

High Maintenance? I don't give a flying fuck.
You don't want to deal with it, don't deal with me.
I know the right person will know what to do.
*shiver* Okay, typing "the right person" made me shiver. What does that mean?
I feel like I'm scared of him, like he's keeping me waiting and never going to show up.

Ever since I was a kid, I've always been positive, and hopeful. Sure, I was depressed at an early age, but damnit, I never stopped trying. I've always wanted a happy family, a family dinner.

I remember the first time I had dinner with my best friend, and her family. it was outside, in her backyard, the sun was shining.

I remember this so clearly, because I also remember ever night afterward. I would replay it and imagine my family instead. I always kept hoping.

It never happened. Instead, every wish I made on those shooting stars, for my parents to get along, for us all to act like a family, backfired. Things got worse. And now, every time my father walks into a room, his face filled with that "look," it depresses me. My mother, always yelling at him, all the chaos that never ends.

That is why, you need to "wooh" me. I feel like, everything that is good, will come to an end if you don't.

Do I think the person I am with now is the right person?
*sigh. I cringe when I say this aloud, but 'I hope he is,' deep down.
Which is probably why this, that has been happening lately, is getting on my sad side so very much.
I feel like history is going to repeat itself.
I am scarred, and just huddling for the worst.
Trying to avoid my feelings.
Yup, I admit it. I don't care, I am a coward from the pains of love.



.....Damn, this felt good to type.