...

...

I just wanted it to feel like Christmas.
A walk through the park.
Opening presents at 12AM.
FAMILY.

Is that just TOO DAMN MUCH?????????????

I think I just gave up on Christmas this year.

Expectations:

I don't like them, they always bring me down.

Christmas and Christmas Eve is usually the same: an empty house, some presents, if I'm lucky a tree and a visit from my best friend.

This year, I thought it might be different.
Perhaps, a nice warm fireplace, that I actually have now. Some hot chocolate, a walk in Christmas in the park, video games, and opening presents.

I guess that is not going to happen this year though.
I expected too much again.

But this will not ruin my holiday, I will not let failed expectations ruin it.
It's easy to be miserable, the challenge is to be happy.

I wish for,

A group. A solid group of friends.
Yeah, I have a lot of close friends, who I can hang out with one on one.
I don't have a group, a close group of friends to have memories and do everything with.

All my close friends have a close group.
I wish all my close friends could just combine to become my close group, but that's not going to happen.
We all go to different schools, and they all have a group within their school.
Except me, of course.

Eh.

Fuck this.

hahahahaha, I am not going to let you change me.

No no, I don't think so. :)

CHICKS BEFORE DXKCS.

I am so terrified.

I miss him, I want to be around him all the time.

Walls, are falling down.
I'm so very terrified.
I'm falling hard.
But is it even mutual?

I don't know, doubts are telling me not to do this, because it is not mutual.
It's so unbelievable to think that it's mutual.

I am so scared.
I don't think I want to fall, don't let me fall, to break.
*sigh. I can feel it, I want to be with him. I think, I might start getting clingy, controlling, what ever I don't want to be.

Someone help me. Do I need to... get away?

I don't want to do that, again.

.....Fuck.

Why did I say it.

...............I'm turning into, "myself" again.
Is it possible that there is ANYONE out there that can make "this" me stop existing?
I think it's just moodswings.
I feel like I jinxed it by saying those 3 words.
Jees. Just, eff this.
No clingyness.
No control.
Just fuck that, I hate that sht.
This is why I've learned to fear commitment, and dislike relationships.
I am angry right now, at myself
But, it's probably just mood swings.
What ever I do now, will change everything in the future.
So just gotta NOT BE A DUMBASS when I have moodswings, and we'll see where this goes.

Its like an earthquake, shaking up the way I love you.

I sent this to my brother, and said, "I LOVE YOU BROTHER!"

He replied with, "I Love You Too =)"

First time ever. Not going to lie, I felt like tears were brimming my eyes.

"Do you like him, or is it just nice to be around someone?"
.....hm........... You've got me questioning.

Today, he went to a party, and couldn't come over to make mashed potatoes with me, to spend Thanksgiving. Of course, I was down about it, I tried not to be, but I was. I'm worried, that I'm going to turn back into who I was, when I was with Henry.
However, just as I was about to type, "): Feeling down." he knocked on my window. And surprised me.

Hello world, I have an announcement.
Tonight was the first night, I looked at him, and smiled, and said, "I Love You."
Now, I'm hoping that I don't have to regret what I said.
I'm hoping that I Love Him. Not just "having someone." Please, don't let me hurt him. I don't want to hurt him..

Look, I can type it now.
I LOVE.... MY BOYFRIEND.
.....Wow, that feels weird.
NOT SAYING IT AGAIN FOR A LONG TIME!!!

PS- Happy 7th Months, Honey Mustard.

Hello world.

What is it about this one person that terrifies me so much?
Maybe the fact that I've hardly known him for a little over half a year.
Maybe it's the fact that, despite that, I seem to trust him with all I have.
And yet, I don't want to trust him.
There's always a part saying, "And what if... He's just..."
Lies. It's always lying to me.

Someone shut the voice up. It's messing with my head. I know he'd be hurt/...or a little girl, if he saw these posts.

Is this just puppy love? I mean, it's a whole different world, but some things remain so similar. I can not tell what is real, and what is serious, from what isn't.

I don't think... this is serious.......... is it?

Fucking Sht.

It's already happening. FUCK MY KSMFKSMFLSMFLS


...I don't want to be this way. ):

When someone tells me stuff like "You're in ----" "Does it make you ---- him more?"

I'm like, "WTF. NO. NO. NO! NO LOVE. LIKE! LIKE!!!! LIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then when I say to myself, "I don't ----him..." I'm also like, 'Oh, shut up already.'
I can't even put the word "l----" next to "him."

This is ridiculous.

Hey You. :)

-You can trust me!
And I definitely have felt that we haven't been as close, but I will always be your friend. :>
I just hate that it's so damn difficult to re-instill the bond we had, because of all this crap we have going on in our lives.

BUT NEVER FRET TO ASK ME TO HANG OUT, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE TO! :)
Promise!

....I WILL MAKE THIS BLOG PRIVATE.

.. or just make a new one?
LOL...

Eating with the bfraand and his mama.

Mama: Why don't you just go out somewhere fancy to eat?
Him: Only on occasion. Gotta save money!
Mama: What are you saving for?! You're going to go off and buy a house huh?!
- He laughs -
-I am drinking water-
Mama: What, you want to get married and leave the house already?
Him: -joking-I wonder to who-
-I choke on my water uncontrollably-

....hm.

OMG. GUYS. GUYS. GUYS!

....I think, I'm falling.
And, I'm starting to admit it??
And, I'm happy, yet terrified at the same time.

What am I feeling?!
I think... I think...... I'm letting go of my commitment fears.
I think.. I might start to............
I think... I'm falling for.............
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Yet, I feel scared, that if this final walls breaks down, I'll be hurt again.
I don't want to like someone so much... if it's just going to.....
................*sigh.*

............Damn feelings.

Damn.

Damn this fear.
Damn my precautions.


....Damn this confusion!



Uh, I'm referring to calculus. Yup. CALCULUS SUCKS! Uh huhhh.

Oh dear gawsh.

Last year was probably one of the best years of my life.

Now that I think about it, however, I realized that everything that had a great affect on my life, the fun of it all, most of which were outside of the school.
The parties, the meetings, the adventures.
Little, if any, with my fellow James Lick High School students.

What does this mean?
I stayed here hoping to recreate last year.
Yet I feel so isolated here, not really involved with the school at all. The groups of school, school itself, the friends I thought were close, but probably just see me as an acquaintance. All of it.

...Oh dear gooooooshness.
What have I done?

...

Uh. When did so many people know and find out about this blog? o____O

Fear of commitment.

Oh jeesus. It is bad.

It's obvious, I like him. Even I'm lying to myself and I know that.
I see anything saying, "You like him a lot, don't you?"
Immediately.
I turn away, I think of something else, I say, 'No.... no way... I don't like him that much. I mean come on.....'

I'm so terrified of turning into a meanie weenie, again.
I'm so terrified of relationships all together.
I'm terrified of being clingy, of missing the person.
So, what do I do?
When I miss you, I tell myself I don't.
When I miss you, I distract myself from thinking of you.

But it's obvious. I'm lying. I'm a liar.
I can't even type here that I =x You.
.. It's silly, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

Just give me time, because you are something special, extraordinary.
I'm just a little scared to like you right now, is all..

I am sobbing, while eating a bowl of instant noodles, 5AM in the morning.

Life is not pretty for me right now.

I am stressed the hell out, enough as is.

And so.. I took a walk.

Despite the time. Despite my sleep deprivation and exhaustion. Despite the darkness. Despite the cold. Despite the havoc in my home.

I took a walk, to escape reality.
I just can’t handle this tonight. The stress, the arguing. My eyes can hardly even stay open, and yet I’m forced to endure this madness, waking up, nearly with a hard attack, every few minutes to yelling and slamming of doors.

I can not take this.
I do not need this.

I’m not asking you two to work things out, nor am I asking for you two to act like a family. I gave up on that, so long ago.
All I’m asking you, is please, just let me get some sleep…………………………


I. can. not. take. this.

My response after..

.....*twitch twitch twitch*.

HAY, ASSHOLE........WTF IS UP WITH THAT.............

*twitch twitch twitch twitch*
Does it kill to have a LITTLE more sensitivity?! THIS ISN'T JUST ANYONE. ......

*sigh*.



I Love You Sweetie.

Everyone has to change after a break up, to finally realize why it wasn't meant to be in the first place.
I Love You. Just know, it was not you. And will not ever be your fault.



Sherry.

Something I worry about..

Should I be corncerned, that every tumblr that says, "I'm falling for you." "I fell for you so hard."
.. I skip? I glance at, and let it pass by.

But, here's the part I'm worried about, I don't mind. I say to myself, "Nah, that's not me." and I'm satisfied with it.

I'm either in denial... or,


...... It's obvious Sherry. You've still got a wall, that's he's desperately trying to break down.


.......hm.

Damn. It.

I Like You. Way too much now.

BTW, FAAAACK.

I just realized, that I'm in a serious relationship, as of today.

.... Officially.

and it's terrifying me a little.. :D...

Bear.

Bear: just hire me as your wedding singer, and you can marry me whoever you want to

(1:15:34 AM): oops*

(1:15:36 AM): erase me! lol


LOL, this made me laugh. it makes me picture a guy that's like madly in love with a girl, but she doesn't know it, and these little hidden messages just pop out of no where from him.

BUT NO, that's not the case for this situation.
It's just what it reminds me of.
LOL

Hey You,

I'm thinking about you right now.
I'm feeling sad, and I'm thinking about you.
I want to talk to you.

And in response, I'd like to say,
"DAMN IT. "

I can NOT begin to depend on you when I am sad.
I can NOT expect you to always cheer me up.

I CAN'T DO THIS.
I am too scared of this.......
I can't.. I just can't.
I'm scared, of commitment.

All I'm thinking is, "Sherry, what the hell are you doing?"

No, I don't need you. I CAN'T POSSIBLY NEED YOU.
I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. NEED. YOU.

Then why do I miss you so very much?

THIS IS CODE RED ALERT. ALERT.
DAMN, Someone get me out of here.

Real blog.

I didn't want to put this on tumblr, just because tumblr is way too public.

): Dang, I miss my friends. The ones from school. School is starting in a few weeks, and yet I haven't contacted or hung out with any friends from school at all.
I've been having a great time, but what does this mean?

I just miss them.
Don't want my senior year to feel absolutely horrible.

I want my phone already, so I can contact and hang out with them again.
I Love My Friends, they may not go out and get drunk like the rest of the teenage population. But we have fun, without alcohol.
And I Love That.

I Love My Dorky Friends. Because, I, myself, and a dork at heart.

*sigh. Please come back to me, I Miss You guys.

Fucking Pissed.

Damn, I can not get over how immature people can be.
I really want to find out who that was that said that stupid fucking comment.

But anyways, at least the whole experience did one thing for me.
It got me to see my priorities again.
School first.

Stop fooling around, and prepare for school. You're a senior now.

Hello there.

I guess I'm using this as my private blog now.

A REAL blog,

Hellloooooooooooooooo BLOGSPOT! :)
How I've indeed missed you! Tumblr is waay too public to be blogging now a days.

So, what can I say? My life has been completely reversed. This year started, not as the best, but sure enough it transformed into something greater than can be expected.
And the road, it's continuing.
This vibrant yet opaque path, I can't seem to understand it. It's one of those moments you know you want more of, but you can't see clear enough to guess what's going to happen next.

I'm content, no, HAPPY, I'm HAPPY with my life. :)

Sure, there are some kinks here and there, but I couldn't feel luckier.

Its something I don't understand, but at the same time. I Don't Care.


Feels good to captivate myself with some English again.

Wow.

It's been nearly 6 months now.

And how we've been, I love that we're friends. But sometimes, just SOMETIMES, when you act the certain way I don't really enjoy,

I find it hard to believe that we used to be together, for almost 2 years.

Sometimes, you act like the kind of person I would never date.
When you "joke with Juan" I look at you, and shake my head.

That's not the Henry I used to Know.

HEY HENRY:

LOL, This is for you.

=) It's been a year since this time. Hahah.

"Not letting yourself see him again, because it hurts so much to see him with other people and enjoying himself, while you watch from afar to make sure he’s still doing fine. Looking after him even though you know you shouldn’t and making sacrifices for him even though you know that he doesn’t know. And that if he did know, it wouldn’t matter, thats true heartbreak.
The worst kind of heartbreak is letting someone you loved go, even though you weren’t finished loving them… and knowing that if you let them go they’ll be happier.."

...This is a lie! I'm just doing it because.. We're best friends, yeah, that's why. :D?... Yeah..

Boy oh Boy do I need to get this off my mind.

First of all, I feel like I should private this. How do I do that again? I feel really stupid having people read this. How do I make it un-followable?

Hm, where to start.
Boy, I Miss You.
I'm not saying I need you. I'm not saying my life is damn miserable without you, I'm not clinging to you because I feel that I have no one else.
I just really, really miss you. You. No other reason, just you.

What can I say?
I'm so happy that we're still good friends. I'm so happy that we can still talk on the phone and have a good time together.
But I don't know. Maybe this is just the "getting over you" talking.
I really miss that quality time we used to have. Where it seemed like there was nothing else going on in the world. Where I could just relax from everything.
It always seems like something is going on, homework, stress, friends, crowds.
Lately all I've really wanted was just some one on one time with you.
Not even as a couple. Ah. I don't know what I want.

I'm really confused.
But honestly, don't worry about me.
Don't feel this sudden urge to call because you think I want you to! Haha, silly boy.
I'm fine, honest. I'm not miserable or anything.
I just really miss you is all.
I just, needed to get that off my chest.

Gosh Darnit.

I'm sorry I missed all 4 of your calls )=
I really miss having a ringtone.
I feel really bad, and I really want to talk to you now!
Dang it, I won't be able to sleep like this.

Want to hear a secret?

I really miss my sweetheart..

EFFF THAT.

My chest is burning from this sensation, saying, "Sherry, choose now."
And gosh darnit. I chose wrong, just to find out I was a tool of company.
Just to listen to your bragging, and laughter, and abrupt "Cya!"
Shoulda listened to my sign.
From now on, I gotta start listening to my luck.

It's all good it's all good.
Just keep it coming, please.
Keep more coming, spit it out in huge amounts.
Making it all the easier for me.

I got this, I got this. I'm winning this playing field, jumping right up from your stabs.
I. Got. This. =)

The way I see it.

I feel things are unfinished.
But as the days go on and on, I am in fact letting you go by the day.

I was scared to let you go, scared that if I did, you'd be gone forever.

I see now, that if I chose to let you go, but you chose to stay there,
then it'd really be best if we did just go our separate ways.
I don't want the only reason for you staying, is because I'm holding on to you.

The signs were so clear. More signs as days continue to pass.
I just couldn't accept what was happening.
I didn't want to accept it. I wanted you, my first love.

In the past, I would've said something like, "I'm going to try to let you go, even though I will fail and fail, I will keep trying."
I think, deep down; I just didn't want to let you go.

It saddens me that nearly 2 years would end up like this.
We ended, on unfinished terms. But unlike the rest, we are at least friends. So I guess we're lucky.
Perhaps I was just sad that nearly 2 years had to end at all.

Well, there's really nothing left to say.
I am going to let you go,
It will take time,
it will take a lot.
But I will let you go, completely.

I will miss you though.

My Life is average

Honestly I’ve just been at a standstill.
Life seems to just float by my fingers.

I find that Spanish seems to be the funnest class lately, and I recall at the beginning of the year, hating it with a fiery intensity.
I absolutely positively hate precal class though.

On my schooldays, I look forward to the weekend, badminton practice, and showering with my yummy Shampoo.

I think I might’ve made Varsity for badminton.
But then again, I really don’t think I’m ready for it.
It’s only the first year, and I could be so much better.
We’ll see what happens tomorrow.

My life could be better,
But it could also be worse.

I’m having one of those “no motivation” periods.
They’ll just fly by though, I’ll be over it soon. =)
Just keeping my head up in the clouds until then.

I love the way it feels when you touch my hand
Don't wanna let you go
I love the way you say that I am your man
Don't understand why we can't go on and go on
Don't understand why
You don't belong in my arms

Ohh

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life

Ohh

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

And I still cry for you
And I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
And I still long for you
And I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

I still cry for you
I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
I still long for you
I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

I still cry for you
I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
I still long for you
I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

Why, WHY DO I WANT TO TALK TO YOU SO MUCH?!

Not even about what just happened.
I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

AND I HATE IT.
I HATE IT I HATE IT.

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. MISS. YOU. ANYMORE.
ngjsnvjksnsjngkjsfbnsfjbnjksnbfjnbjksfnkjsbnjksbnsnbsfnsk.

I hate that I can't finish even one conversation with you.

What are you so afraid of? People thinking the wrong thing?
Let them think.
You can smile and shake it off.
Why would it matter, if you actually really did want it?

Tell me why.
Why do you feel this urge to hide everything?
You don't want to hug me in public, why?
Because you don't want people to think the wrong thing?
The wrong thing, is us getting back together, or liking each other.
Why does it matter to you who knows..

You treat me like this person, you'd only love in private.
In front of other people, I am the farthest from your mind.

Why can't you just be honest.
Damn. You are so confusing.

Just stop it. Just. Stop.

I Hate this, to a full extent. I just want summer vacation already.
Where I'll go to Vietnam for the summer, and you won't have to hear or see me ever again.
I'm sorry for embarrassing you.

What I want to say is that I miss you everyday.

Think outside the box,

Spread your wings,
Do something unimaginable.
Say things you've always wanted to say.
Do things you've been wanting to do.

Be yourself, not what you think you should be.

...*sniff*

This might just make you avoid me,

I'd really like to just fall on you; hug you; and kiss you like there's no tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day.

I wish you the best. =)

Snorlax,

When I blubbered like a baby, having you hug me just made time stop.


I put on an act too, when I pretend it doesn't matter if you leave,
when I storm off from you angrily, like I don't want to see you.

Truth is; there's no one else I'd want to be with.

Hahahahahaha. I'm holding your Snorlax necklace hostage. =)

It's impossible to be happy all the time; a couple can not be happy without alone time.

So it just brings me to think the question,
Were you the right person for me, but at the wrong time?
Were we just not given a chance?


I don't know. But I Miss You.
I was singing the song you made on the piano today. I wonder if it's still dedicated to me..

Analytical Evaluation;

When I feel like you've hurt me, and then hear you continuously laughing with your friends afterwards.

It's like you threw a boulder on me, and then continously threw little rocks.

How should I forgive and forget, when it feels like you don't even care about being forgiven?

How can I calm down? How can I let it go?
You say you do it, so you won't bring the group down with you. You want to be happy, and keep everyone else happy.
everyone except me. The one person, who needs it the most.
Can't you just give me a few seconds of your time to help calm me down? Some few seconds of peace and quiet when I'm so fed up with something?

Just a little bit of time, sacrifice a little bit of time, and all will be well and better in the group that you care so dearly about.

Please, don't look at me like I don't try to get over it. Because I do.

I Look Through All Of Our Pictures Together,

And I wonder to myself, Why can't we try again?

=)

I wrote a blog, and then I put it on private.
pwahhahhaa. In your face (;

My heart is pounding.

Took me a few minutes to click, "New Post." I called, and hung up, haha, sorry about that.

Since, my heart seems to be going 200 mph, and I think I'd be speechless if I heard your voice, (Woah, I've NEVER felt like this. Ever.) I think it'd be smarter if I just wrote to you here.

Henry,
I've realized now, what a bad thing I did. You were a huge part of my life, nearly 2 years of it. You deserve a much better ending than what I did.

I had no right to yell at you like that, you are such a great person, and you mean so much to me. I wish that I could just repeat that day, and could've said everything calmly, like how I wanted to.

That day, I realized the meaning of "breaking up," We've broken up. And we just can't act the way I'd been acting. I don't think I truly anticipated that I'd have to get over you. I was being irresponsible. That day it hit me, that your true intent was to get over me. And before, I guess my hope convinced me that somewhere along the line, we'd just be together again.

This isn't a post saying "I got over you." Because I'm sure you know I haven't.
I just wanted to tell you, that I really don't want you to disappear from my life.
We both need time and space, but please don't make me feel like it's something you want to do. Whether I like it or not, I will be seeing you so many times, and I'm just not ready to watch you walk out the door, all joyous and happy, while I'm left alone in a classroom, picking up my stuff..

Ah, there I go, ranting again.
I'm sorry I yelled at you, I had everything I wanted to say in my head, and now basicly it fluttered away when I thought about you reading this. -________-

"Always say good bye happily, let them know you love them, for you never know when they may be gone."
I Love You Henry.

We deserve a happy ending, so I should've done the mature thing, started leaving you alone, from the very beginning. You needed your space, not someone wanted to take all of it.

I'm sorry Henry, I'm truly sorry.
Maybe in the future, we'll laugh about this.








-----HOLY CRAP THE THUNDER JUST WENT BOOM AND HOLY SHT I AM FREAKED OUT. D:!!!

Last post on blogspot.

What is so wrong with me? What is so horrible about me, that you'd do anything to escape from me?
Why don't you want to spend time with me, like how I want to be with you? )': I want to cry my eyes out.

I'm tired of wanting to be with you.
When you couldn't care less whether or not I was in the room.

You don't want me around, so why so I keep chasing you?


I want to be with you SO much, but it doesn't mean anything, does it?!


That's IT.
From now on, because you want to be able from me SO much. I'll just leave you alone then.
I won't try to make plans with you. I won't expect you to call or stay with me. I wish tomorrows schedule was everyday so I wouldn't burden you with my presence.

I wanted YOU. Not your pity. Don't stay with me because I'd be sad/mad if you didn't. Leave me be sad or mad, leave me to get over it. Bkos I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

I kept saving good opportunities to spend time with you, and you kept using those same opportunities to get away from me.

I understand why people go on "deleting" sprees after a break up, so forgive me from erasing you everywhere.

As of now, I'll erase the Henry I knew long ago. Erase him all. You're a new person to be me, and if you want a spot in my heart, you're going to have to make one. I will not, make one for you.

There you have it. I'll leave you alone now. And sure, I'll be around you, in our little group of friends. But I'll make sure that "Sherry" never bothers you again.

No more hugs. No more late night conversation. No more desperate little girl wanting to spend time with you.

Have a good life, and farewell.

Dear You,

I Care About You, feel better soon.

Always your friend. Sherry.

Don't lose yourself to stress.