School.

I am so looking forward to when I move in, but the thing is, I know things will change.

My life right now isn't the best, probably, but it is pretty great. Not very exciting, but very comforting. A little lonely, but a lot of closeness. I have adapted to it so well.

Before, I looked forward to the chance of moving away to school, to create a new lifestyle, to finally endure that "welcome week" I've always pictured the adventures that will soon come my way. However, it has just hit me that now, after that "welcome week" that I imagine is over, I will not be coming back home. I will be living there. Berkeley, will be my home. My home away from home. I won't be coming home to my mother, and my friends, and my boyfriend to tell stories of my great week experience, I will be continuing that experience, without them, even after the "welcome" has finished it's part.

It's hit me that I am leaving home. I am sad, and I know I will be so homesick.. I know I will miss everything so much, all that I have here. All that I've taken granted of, always wishing for new experiences.

I know I won't be that far, but just knowing that I will only see them 2, maybe 3 days a week. I don't know.. haha, when I say it now it doesn't seem so bad, but hell, I am so easily homesick, especially when I take part in knowing how long we will be apart.

This will change my life, because it will mark my change towards independence. A part of me doesn't want to be independent, because it's not about the work, but it's about my mother.
I am a huge mama's girl. I want her to feel needed by me, but in all honesty, sometimes I feel like she needs me a lot more then I need her.

I am so worried for her, I want to take her with me.. So worried..
I am looking forward to next summer, when I want to take her to VN, and let her know how much I love her.

Of course, according to my boyfriend, she'd have to share me with him, because I have to provide that feeling of love for him also!
Next summer, don't let me down like this summer. (This summer is NOT bad, btw! I just expected a lot more, which I know is bad.. lol )Be filled with the adventures I crave, let me appreciate what a great life I have.

BARRAGE OF CINDY:

(I read these, and jeesus, I couldn't agree more.)

Each and every minute I find another reason why I want to leave. Everything is so unbearable now.

I’m just not use to people being mean to me. I don’t think I’ll ever get use to it.

The smallest things win me over.

I don’t know if this is insecurities or what, but I’m getting pretty tired of looking in the mirror and seeing what’s looking back at me.

When you tell your business, everybody’s listening. When you tell your problems, everybody’s missing.

No matter how carefully I choose my words with you, you always end up twisting it around.

And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have.

I hate how conflicted I feel about you.

I feel trapped.

In this routine life style that does not change.
Always having to find something to do, because I only know the same people, who have their own people.

I kind of want to start school already. I don't like this lonesome depressed feeling.

At the same time, I KNOW I could enjoy my time here if I could only find a NEW experience to occupy my free-time.

I wish I was a bit more religious so I could partake in some 'Youth Group' organization or something..

I don't like feeling like a boring bothersome tag along to people. I like being the person others want to be around, not just having them there because they feel bad for them.

11035 people talking I am bored. I'm bored too. What should I do? You should stay strong, and smile every day.

Didn't thnk Cleverbot would give me motivational advice.

Don't have much to look forward to now a days.

This has been quite a boring summer for me.
Though, sure, there has also been a lot of fun. :)

It's been really calm, peaceful.
I'm pretty tired of always having to be the one to ask out others, though.

I'm ready for some crazy summer adventures, but I have no one to share them with.

Last Mental Breakdown: 07162011

Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend can't understand me at all.
And yet other times I feel like he understands me better than I understand myself.

Today, he spent the whole day with me, cheering me up from my mental breakdown last night. He made me realize that every mental breakdown occurs FAR too often, every so often. And it's always with the same thing. My dad, my family, feeling isolated and unwelcome in my own home. Feeling as though I've lost my best friends.

You see, it's because ever since I was little. I was always kind of isolated from my family, the ones around me anyways.
When I stayed at my grandparents, they neglected me. I always walked around outside, and made friends there.
For so long, my friends have BEEN my family.
It seemed like everyone I considered as close as family had disappeared this year. And I guess it just shot me down and brought me to tears.

"You're good at hiding your depression. And I guess it's good, because no one can see it, but at the same time you are just building it up until you go berserk."
Obviously, "Berserk" wasn't the BEST word choice, but I understood what he was trying to say.
It's true. I hide my depression. But ONLY because I am depressed so very often. SO to stop that, and hopefully beat my "no crying" record of _____months. (its embarrassing) I MUST distract myself ONCE I start feeling a little depressed!

ACTIVITIES I CAN DO:
-Clean Room
-Make Over
-Shower
-...Explore..?
-..........DANCE AROUND OUTSIDE IF I AM HOME ALONE
-WORK OUT!
-I had more ideas that I can'think of, damn it!! I knew I should've written this last night.

PS - Don't force boyfriend to eat too much ice cream, even if you think he wants it. -_- When he wants to stop, believe that he actually does not want anymore, instead of thinking he's just being nice. Apparently, he is NEVER, THAT nice.

I kind of had this image,

Of what senior year summer would be like.
Late night adventures, laughing, catching up, with you.
I looked forward to finally getting to spend quality time with you, actually making it seem like "our title" wasn't just a "title". Every year, we would always lose connection during the school year, and then rekindle it during the summer.
However, I guess this year won't be like that.
It used to be normal, to not see you after a while and then spend a night having an adventure. Going somewhere for 3 days? Sure! Now however, I feel like it would be different.

I told myself I would forget about it, but after watching the last Harry Potter of all time, I watched as the trio grew up. My first time watching it, I was about 9, around the same age as them. I watched it with my best friend. Since then, we had a tradition of watching all the Harry Potter movies together. (though, maybe I am being delusional..I honestly thought we did.) This time, however, I watched the 3 children that I practically grew up watching, but when I turned to my side, it was not the person I grew up watching them with. It hurt to see that we were no longer close, like I was forgotten, like we had split up.

Watching them, and living this, has made me feel like things will probably never be how they were. We are off to college, to live our own lives. Even though I really do want to be a part of your life, I'm never really invited to be a part of yours, anymore.

I mean, I understand though. This is the last year that you will probably see your great group of friends as much as you do now. The last time. I get it, honestly. I mean, if I had a close group of friends like that, I would be just the same.

I know that, what seems like forever, our friendship has always kind of been "long distance." It's just, there were always the little things that made that distance seem so much smaller than it was. However... now it seems like those traditions, promises, conversations, have moved on as well.

This is nothing more than just my thoughts. It is not a hopeless cry to guilt the other person, nor is it an attempt to rekindle anything. I understand that, sometimes things grow apart to make room for better things. And if they have found those better things, what is wrong with that? There is no reason for me to feel bitterly towards it. I am just a bit sad is all. :) Honestly.

I still want to be a part of your life though, even if it's not such a big part. Therefore, I will continue to ask you out!

I can only hope that when I go to Berkeley, I will find a close group of friends I can call my own, as well, so that maybe, this small little pain in my chest will be eased. I will never forget, nor take back my appreciation for all those years spent, though.

HAHA......I just realized how dramatic I am getting.. I think it's because I just witnessed the final Harry Potter in history.....

WHICH WAS VERY GOOD, BTW. <3

Butterflies.

Can you remember the first time you ever thought, "My god," every time you laid eyes on them? I do. I remember that physical attraction then turning into a crush, as every text message from him would make me smile. Even a simple, "hahaha" would make me feel as if I had made his day, just a tad bit happier. I miss it. I miss feeling like his favorite part of the day, I miss him being my favorite part of the day. I miss our random adventures, his effort to win me over, those butterflies.

"Look! I have a mustache :{D"
"Hahaha you just made my day already"
Filipino club car wash, how I remember so vividly.

Maybe it's because you've just been so cranky lately. But I just feel like, I don't make you as happy as I used to. You don't feel the need to go out of your way, because you are so comfortable. And hell, so I am. I am comfortable, to the point where the butterflies have disappeared. Sure, sometimes I feel lighter than air, but, I don't know. I wish it were more often.
I'm going to be starting school soon, away from this, and I'm just wondering how that'll be, for both of us. I know I'll miss it here, but at the same time.. I am looking forward to it.

I'm looking forward to having things to do, things to keep my mind off of you. I'm looking forward to having fun adventures, without holding you back. Looking forward to knowing you're getting your freedom from me, so when you want to see me, you generally want to see me.

....But then again, that probably won't happen until at least 2 months into the school year..... LOL.

Oh, the curse of being a Gemini. The curse of being Me. Always needing new experiences, new memories, to be content and happy. I always need to feel like I am moving forward. But then again, it is because of this need I have that I was found myself in the most outrageous situations of all time..

):

My heart is absolutely pounding. I am so worried stricken. Never have I been so scared for someone else’s, a close friends, safety. This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I could have lost someone, and I couldn’t, and still can not do ANYTHING to help.

I just want you to know, that it’s been a very rough day, you’ve had a ROUGH night, and morning, but you will always have those that care about you. I don’t expect you to cheer up right away, or get over it. You deserve a grand amount of time to sulk, and rant, and cry. It is not, was not, and will not, be your fault.

I have no means of transportation, and no way of getting to you soon. But I am going to change, and look up bus directions, just in case..

I Love You, and I AM here for you.

Hm,

My friends have all started noticing how bitchy my bf can be.
And I can't even really explain the good side of him, because it seems unbelievable, or rare, because the last few times they've seen him he has been cranky.

This is quite funny, in the most serious way.