Why does there never seem to be a nice mix between genuinely sweet, and experienced romantic.

I've come to learn the type of person I am strongly attracted to: Sweet, funny, thoughtful.
Thoughtful, I've come to realize being one of the most important.

Do you know what is sweet? Using a piece of knowledge about a person and using it to make their day. For example, you're shopping, and suddenly you think, "Oh, he has a midterm tomorrow and will probably be hungry, I should buy him some granola bars." thoughtful.

Or knowing that they are studying hard and probably don't want to get up and get water, so you continuously refill their glass to make sure they stay hydrated.

Or rushing home to give them something instead of making them go far to pick it up even though your pet peeve is being interrupted and especially when you are in the zone for studying - you decide you don't want them to do that and ruin their day and so you sacrifice part of your day instead.

On another note, I think a fun thing about being a couple is the constant "no you're not paying" battle. It's cute, and it's fun. But don't think you're putting a strong effort by saying "no you don't have to" and then give up. That's not the same thing as putting in effort to the game and showing the person you really want to spoil them.
^ I know this sounds just immature, but it just TICKED me off the amount of attitude you gave with your rebuttal. Like do you really take that much pride in your one "no you don't have to venmo me" sentence????


One strong thing about relationships is the amount of effort that goes into keeping them alive. Keeping the magic and romance alive. It's not just about physically seeing that person, that is not romance - that is routine.

Romance is about the constant thinking about them every single day and wondering how you can make their day better.

...Unfortunately for me, the amount of effort and care I put it just makes it easy for you to disregard me when you're angry. You just ignore me, and give me short answers and attitude. Like I don't matter. You make me feel so unimportant. And you don't even seem to remember all the little things I do for you. That's how this fight happened. Because from this morning I have been thinking about how you treat me, and all the things I try to do for you.

When you said "I feel like I always have to chase you," that was the straw.

I do all of those things because I love you. Not because... I'll always be here despite how you treat me. I love you... but I have a breaking point. If you want to chase me, chase me, but I'm not always going to be here.

Hello Blogspot,

It's been a while.

Maybe I've been busy. Or, maybe I haven't had to write something in a while.

Tonight is one of those nights I feel like I'm worthless. I feel unattractive, unintelligent, incompetent, and selfish. I feel helpless.

I feel like I don't deserve you. You can do so much better than me. My confidence is shot right now. And I'm not even sure why. I have no motivation and I just want to curl into a ball and cry. And I wish you were here to comfort me, but I wouldn't even know what to say.

Maybe it's because I know my mom is unhappy, and there is nothing I can do. Spending her money and time offering to buy me a new car, a new laptop. I wish I could just do it myself. I'm so worthless. I just want to give her everything I have. She deserves so much better than this crumbling family. Deserves better than me. I can't do anything. I'm so complicated. I have so many recurring health problems. And, to top it all off. I just cried and washed away my Night Cream :( wah..

Good night world.

*sigh,

I decided to take a look into the past, and I browsed pictures, blog posts, etc. I read through the old posts of your page, before it seemed like everything was about me and our complicated friendship.

It's quite dramatic, but reading your old posts about him made me tear up. And then I looked at our old pictures: those were some really fun memories. I really miss those times, and you. I really should have included you in my Best Friend's post. That was wrong of me not to do so, because you really were one of my best friends in high school. Why I did it? A part of me was really fed up with the constant arguments we had, and I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. But it was wrong, and I can only imagine how much it hurt to be cut out like that.

This is the absolute truth though: I am not a terribly affectionate person. I know you see that I shower certain people with love, but I really don't. I occasionally visit their page, come across one of our old pictures, randomly have memories slip into my mind and suddenly feel this immense amount of appreciation from them (like what I just experienced with you after reading nearly 20 pages of your past blog.) But on the daily, I hardly communicate with them. To be real, I hardly text them, call them, facebook them. Honestly, I am so terrible at communicating. I often forget to reply, forget to tell them when I am home visiting, I am constantly getting nagged at by these people (lol). And I adore them for that because in reality, they shower me with love. More so than I shower them. I am so lucky to have these individuals (including you) in my life, and I am still learning to how prioritize them over my busy schedule. I am still terrible at it and please, by all means ask Lam to verify because I once asked him, "Have I ever been a bad girlfriend?" and he says "anytime you have a test." and I totally agree.

Things were just a lot easier when I was so close. And you'll see this for yourself once you go to Davis and start discovering yourself as well. You are going to have all the fun that you deserve and it is going to be so overwhelming for you -you may lose sight of yourself for a while. But that's normal, and it happens to almost everyone, and it is wonderful. It's a fresh start and a new beginning. And for me, that involved forgetting a little piece of San Jose for a period of time, but there is not a doubt in my mind that I loved you all back home and I always always will.

I am quite hard-headed and impatient sometimes. That is something we are both very guilty of. I think the intensity of our arguments progressively get worse because we know exactly how to push each other's buttons. Though we don't do so intentionally.

I am not sure if we should speak for a while. But I am sorry. Those are my concluding words to you, until time can make us comfortable to regenerate.

One day I hope you realize,

That everyone you have pushed away, is gone. Everyone you couldn't be happy with, has left. You yourself questioned why everyone has gone but one. Why don't you realize it? Why can't you learn and grow from your experiences?

Do me a favor, find what you're looking for. Because I'd really like my old friend back, and not what she has become.

Sitting here, instead of studying, trying to figure out exactly how I should word this so that it comes out how I intended it.. It's a difficult task.

 I'll admit to you now, that although I cherish those memories we had during badminton -those are still some of my favorite memories of all time, because of where we stand now: those are just memories now. I love them to death and I am so glad I had you to share them with, but look at us now. I loved you then, and I still care a great deal for you now. That is the truth. But after the repeated times I have tried to hang out and rekindle our friendship, it always seemed to blow over. No matter what I did, it always seemed like you had something to be angry about. If you look back to our last few conversations, I have been the one to reach out to you, and even though those memories ended on a bad note, it was still I who tried to hang out again. I've grown tired of it. I am sorry for my lack of effort, but this is a relationship, and like relationships between boyfriends and girlfriends, if you keep putting down the person after their efforts, the relationship will dwindle.

 In all my friendships, you have been the most difficult to please. And I became so fed with the fact that no matter how hard I tried to be a better friend to you, I still ended up being the villian who was welcomed with depreciation and complaints. I really began to question if this friendship was even worth it because of these constant arguments that I always felt were unnecessary and dramatic. You had one blog  stating that I was a friend who made you feel like crap and expected you to be as pretty as my Berkeley friends (or something along those lines). How could I ever look and feel the same way towards you after you had put me in such a hurtful light? My feelings were really hurt after that. To be completely honest with you, I feel like I am hesitant to even reach out to you sometimes, because I'll wonder "is she going to be angry this time?"

 But I've always tried my best to defend you. Remember when I ask you to hang out the most recent time? When I said Lam offered to drive us to Santana Row? He didn't offer. On the contrary he said, "You know how she gets. I don't want to drive her if she's going to blow up for no reason." and I told him to shut up. (Also because he is a hypocrite who blows up for no reason ALL the time lol) But instead of cutting off our Friendship, I took a break from it. I thought time could ease the tension and we could try again, just as I've often done.

I've always "popped outta nowhere" asking you to hang out, but recently, they have all been sad experiences. Our friendship is questionable on the terms of "best" or not. I am deeply sorry, but it's true. After the repetitive fights and making me feel badly as a person, it's true: I do not consider you a best friend anymore. But I do still consider you a friend and you always will be. I do still consider you a friend whom I cherish and that s who you will always be. It's completely up to you whether or not you would like to continue this friendship, because I am a sole believer that with effort, things can be fixed. There was a time that I thought I could never be friends with Henry again after we broke up. I remember crying to you about how I was ignored, treated badly, etc. But I look back at it now and I realized that I had expected so much from him -too much from him. I was a crazy girlfriend who was never happy no matter what he tried. And when I realized that, and understood that there are just some things out of his control, we were on much better terms.
 It's ironic really, this situation that we are in now really reminds me of a similar situation I had with one of my other best friends. She was the one pushing me out of her life, building all these fond memories with different people, leaving me behind. She was the one who made me feel meaningless and made me question why I never came first in any of her blogs, pictures, posts. I was the one who called her out on multiple occasions, I was the irrational friend. I was the one who just couldn't let go of what used to be. And after making this realization, I must apologize to you both.
You, K, for having made you feel that way. Because I can still recall with a pain in my heart of those lonely nights of missing my best friend. I can still recall tearing at pictures and feeling like dirt being brushed off as I looked through all of her current pictures and post, not even seeing a glimmer of myself in them. I am so sorry I made you feel that way. It is a horrible, horrible feeling that I will never forget.
S, I am sorry for expecting so much from you then. I am so sorry for being such a bitter person and not letting go, which ultimately lead our friendship to spiral into what happened next. I am so sorry for not understanding how hard it was to be in your position until now. I am truly sorry for the negative light I put you in when all this time it was me who was being the selfish friend refusing to let you go enjoy your life. I want you to know that this experience has opened my eyes, and I think from now on, I can finally fully let go of that fall-out we had. I think I can finally move on passed it and accept that things happen for a reason, and if meant to be we can fall together again. I don't want to stop trying to make our friendship work, so can we both promise to put effort into rekindling this? <3 br="">
 K, Thank you for being the person who supported me throughout highschool and created some of the best memories I will ever have. I am sorry our friendship has become distanced, but things and circumstances change. Things between us will never get better unless you can understand that things will always be different now -I am different. My life is different -my priorities are many. There are just some things that I cannot do now, that I used to do then.

 I don't want to lose you as a friend over something like a national best friend day post, so if you'd like to hang out, please give me a text, a call, and we can catch up on old times. I, on the other hand, will leave you alone and let you think about whether or not you feel this friendship is worth it. Because I'm just now realizing that it took me this long to realize my mistakes.

"Does he bring out your best side?"

So this semester, I formed a new bond with another family here at Berkeley - my VISION family. In the course of three days, they knew more about me and my life than even some of my friends from elementary school know. They know my ups, my downs, my flaws and my perks, and they accept me entirely. They've called me an inspiration, beautiful inside and out, made me feel like I was on top of the world. Something I've never really felt from my friends. In the back of my mind, I always feel like there's always someone better - because in the past, for every single one of my best friends (Save a few, like Annie and Vanessa :>) there has always been someone else who they grew to like more, opened up to more, gotten closer to more, and I was pushed out of the loop. I grew from these experiences feeling like dirt. Plain, dull, brown. And yet this weekend, opened my eyes to the things about myself I should have embraced - the things that they appreciate about me. The things about me that inspire them. I opened my story, for the first time  to anyone. And they cried, and clapped, and rejoiced for it. It felt AMAZING. For the first time, I saw reason to be proud of myself, and my achievements, and finally in 19 years mentally pat myself on the back.

I've grown to love these people dearly - and I know that we will go our separate ways, but at the same time I know that there will always be a place in my heart for them, because they made me feel, for the first time, like a good person.

Anyways, I actually lost sight of what I was saying because I started tearing up LOL.... But this post wasn't even supposed to be about my VISION fam. ANYWAYS, one of my Co-Mentors and I were talking about relationships, when he said, "Does he bring our your best side?" and for a minute.. I couldn't answer. Did he?

I think I've come to understand myself on a better level - at this point, I don't think any one person can bring out my good side. I am a shell of experiences - and I constantly need to refill with new experiences and people to keep myself happy.

Does this mean that he is incapable? I don't think so. But.. it just got me wondering. If I were with someone else, would they bring out my good side? Or will it eventually dwindle like every relationship?

I don't know.. I don't remember if I have ever released my "best side" while with my boyfriend. On the contrary, a lot of the time I feel like I wanted to stab him ever since we first met, and I have definitely grown as an individual: more patient, more responsible and mature, more able to enjoy life. But is that my best side? How do you know when your best side has been brought out...

Can someone give me an example? I have no idea.

I wonder if this is where it begins,

I'm curious, really. I mean, before, I didn't know anything about the subject. I trusted you with your every word because you were the experienced one. But honey, that's not the case anymore. I've grown. I can take care of myself and make my own decisions. When I ask you specific questions, it's because I already know what I'm doing, and just want some clarification. That does not mean that I want your criticism on what I'm doing.

You just don't get it.
Am I being selfish? I don't know. Sure, I'm starting to feel badly about my harshness with you, but I am getting so fed up with the fact that everything has to cater to you. And why? Not because in the end, you were right. On the contrary, it is usually because we have to be the bigger people, otherwise nothing will be resolved.
it's just ridiculous. My semester has been crazy, and stressful, and constantly demanding. I don't really feel like I haven't had a free moment to myself at all. A wonder with no worries, no cares. A moment that I know I can just enjoy myself, wake up in the morning, and still be free.

College, at least from my experience, it's an entirely different world. I devote my heart and sole into this institution, untying most relations other than that of college, until I can be free. It is that demanding. I am trying to discover myself, and it is a difficult task.

I don't know how to make you understand that this isn't me changing -at least, not in a bad way. It's just me wanting to get what I feel entitled to. After this long semester, I really feel like I've deserved this freedom that I am chasing after. At least for this short time being. It's not like this is all I care about. In fact, I will be completely appalled if that's what you think about me. I would rather us break up right now than you stick around wanting to "fix the wreck." Because you know why? I. Can. Take. Care. Of. Myself.


I'm just hoping that once winter break comes around, things will get better. Because I do admit that it is as much my fault and it is yours for the distance between us. Perhaps even more so mine, because I am finally learning how to prioritize things above your relationship.. Well, academically.