*sigh,

I decided to take a look into the past, and I browsed pictures, blog posts, etc. I read through the old posts of your page, before it seemed like everything was about me and our complicated friendship.

It's quite dramatic, but reading your old posts about him made me tear up. And then I looked at our old pictures: those were some really fun memories. I really miss those times, and you. I really should have included you in my Best Friend's post. That was wrong of me not to do so, because you really were one of my best friends in high school. Why I did it? A part of me was really fed up with the constant arguments we had, and I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. But it was wrong, and I can only imagine how much it hurt to be cut out like that.

This is the absolute truth though: I am not a terribly affectionate person. I know you see that I shower certain people with love, but I really don't. I occasionally visit their page, come across one of our old pictures, randomly have memories slip into my mind and suddenly feel this immense amount of appreciation from them (like what I just experienced with you after reading nearly 20 pages of your past blog.) But on the daily, I hardly communicate with them. To be real, I hardly text them, call them, facebook them. Honestly, I am so terrible at communicating. I often forget to reply, forget to tell them when I am home visiting, I am constantly getting nagged at by these people (lol). And I adore them for that because in reality, they shower me with love. More so than I shower them. I am so lucky to have these individuals (including you) in my life, and I am still learning to how prioritize them over my busy schedule. I am still terrible at it and please, by all means ask Lam to verify because I once asked him, "Have I ever been a bad girlfriend?" and he says "anytime you have a test." and I totally agree.

Things were just a lot easier when I was so close. And you'll see this for yourself once you go to Davis and start discovering yourself as well. You are going to have all the fun that you deserve and it is going to be so overwhelming for you -you may lose sight of yourself for a while. But that's normal, and it happens to almost everyone, and it is wonderful. It's a fresh start and a new beginning. And for me, that involved forgetting a little piece of San Jose for a period of time, but there is not a doubt in my mind that I loved you all back home and I always always will.

I am quite hard-headed and impatient sometimes. That is something we are both very guilty of. I think the intensity of our arguments progressively get worse because we know exactly how to push each other's buttons. Though we don't do so intentionally.

I am not sure if we should speak for a while. But I am sorry. Those are my concluding words to you, until time can make us comfortable to regenerate.

One day I hope you realize,

That everyone you have pushed away, is gone. Everyone you couldn't be happy with, has left. You yourself questioned why everyone has gone but one. Why don't you realize it? Why can't you learn and grow from your experiences?

Do me a favor, find what you're looking for. Because I'd really like my old friend back, and not what she has become.

Sitting here, instead of studying, trying to figure out exactly how I should word this so that it comes out how I intended it.. It's a difficult task.

 I'll admit to you now, that although I cherish those memories we had during badminton -those are still some of my favorite memories of all time, because of where we stand now: those are just memories now. I love them to death and I am so glad I had you to share them with, but look at us now. I loved you then, and I still care a great deal for you now. That is the truth. But after the repeated times I have tried to hang out and rekindle our friendship, it always seemed to blow over. No matter what I did, it always seemed like you had something to be angry about. If you look back to our last few conversations, I have been the one to reach out to you, and even though those memories ended on a bad note, it was still I who tried to hang out again. I've grown tired of it. I am sorry for my lack of effort, but this is a relationship, and like relationships between boyfriends and girlfriends, if you keep putting down the person after their efforts, the relationship will dwindle.

 In all my friendships, you have been the most difficult to please. And I became so fed with the fact that no matter how hard I tried to be a better friend to you, I still ended up being the villian who was welcomed with depreciation and complaints. I really began to question if this friendship was even worth it because of these constant arguments that I always felt were unnecessary and dramatic. You had one blog  stating that I was a friend who made you feel like crap and expected you to be as pretty as my Berkeley friends (or something along those lines). How could I ever look and feel the same way towards you after you had put me in such a hurtful light? My feelings were really hurt after that. To be completely honest with you, I feel like I am hesitant to even reach out to you sometimes, because I'll wonder "is she going to be angry this time?"

 But I've always tried my best to defend you. Remember when I ask you to hang out the most recent time? When I said Lam offered to drive us to Santana Row? He didn't offer. On the contrary he said, "You know how she gets. I don't want to drive her if she's going to blow up for no reason." and I told him to shut up. (Also because he is a hypocrite who blows up for no reason ALL the time lol) But instead of cutting off our Friendship, I took a break from it. I thought time could ease the tension and we could try again, just as I've often done.

I've always "popped outta nowhere" asking you to hang out, but recently, they have all been sad experiences. Our friendship is questionable on the terms of "best" or not. I am deeply sorry, but it's true. After the repetitive fights and making me feel badly as a person, it's true: I do not consider you a best friend anymore. But I do still consider you a friend and you always will be. I do still consider you a friend whom I cherish and that s who you will always be. It's completely up to you whether or not you would like to continue this friendship, because I am a sole believer that with effort, things can be fixed. There was a time that I thought I could never be friends with Henry again after we broke up. I remember crying to you about how I was ignored, treated badly, etc. But I look back at it now and I realized that I had expected so much from him -too much from him. I was a crazy girlfriend who was never happy no matter what he tried. And when I realized that, and understood that there are just some things out of his control, we were on much better terms.
 It's ironic really, this situation that we are in now really reminds me of a similar situation I had with one of my other best friends. She was the one pushing me out of her life, building all these fond memories with different people, leaving me behind. She was the one who made me feel meaningless and made me question why I never came first in any of her blogs, pictures, posts. I was the one who called her out on multiple occasions, I was the irrational friend. I was the one who just couldn't let go of what used to be. And after making this realization, I must apologize to you both.
You, K, for having made you feel that way. Because I can still recall with a pain in my heart of those lonely nights of missing my best friend. I can still recall tearing at pictures and feeling like dirt being brushed off as I looked through all of her current pictures and post, not even seeing a glimmer of myself in them. I am so sorry I made you feel that way. It is a horrible, horrible feeling that I will never forget.
S, I am sorry for expecting so much from you then. I am so sorry for being such a bitter person and not letting go, which ultimately lead our friendship to spiral into what happened next. I am so sorry for not understanding how hard it was to be in your position until now. I am truly sorry for the negative light I put you in when all this time it was me who was being the selfish friend refusing to let you go enjoy your life. I want you to know that this experience has opened my eyes, and I think from now on, I can finally fully let go of that fall-out we had. I think I can finally move on passed it and accept that things happen for a reason, and if meant to be we can fall together again. I don't want to stop trying to make our friendship work, so can we both promise to put effort into rekindling this? <3 br="">
 K, Thank you for being the person who supported me throughout highschool and created some of the best memories I will ever have. I am sorry our friendship has become distanced, but things and circumstances change. Things between us will never get better unless you can understand that things will always be different now -I am different. My life is different -my priorities are many. There are just some things that I cannot do now, that I used to do then.

 I don't want to lose you as a friend over something like a national best friend day post, so if you'd like to hang out, please give me a text, a call, and we can catch up on old times. I, on the other hand, will leave you alone and let you think about whether or not you feel this friendship is worth it. Because I'm just now realizing that it took me this long to realize my mistakes.