I wonder if this is where it begins,

I'm curious, really. I mean, before, I didn't know anything about the subject. I trusted you with your every word because you were the experienced one. But honey, that's not the case anymore. I've grown. I can take care of myself and make my own decisions. When I ask you specific questions, it's because I already know what I'm doing, and just want some clarification. That does not mean that I want your criticism on what I'm doing.

You just don't get it.
Am I being selfish? I don't know. Sure, I'm starting to feel badly about my harshness with you, but I am getting so fed up with the fact that everything has to cater to you. And why? Not because in the end, you were right. On the contrary, it is usually because we have to be the bigger people, otherwise nothing will be resolved.
it's just ridiculous. My semester has been crazy, and stressful, and constantly demanding. I don't really feel like I haven't had a free moment to myself at all. A wonder with no worries, no cares. A moment that I know I can just enjoy myself, wake up in the morning, and still be free.

College, at least from my experience, it's an entirely different world. I devote my heart and sole into this institution, untying most relations other than that of college, until I can be free. It is that demanding. I am trying to discover myself, and it is a difficult task.

I don't know how to make you understand that this isn't me changing -at least, not in a bad way. It's just me wanting to get what I feel entitled to. After this long semester, I really feel like I've deserved this freedom that I am chasing after. At least for this short time being. It's not like this is all I care about. In fact, I will be completely appalled if that's what you think about me. I would rather us break up right now than you stick around wanting to "fix the wreck." Because you know why? I. Can. Take. Care. Of. Myself.


I'm just hoping that once winter break comes around, things will get better. Because I do admit that it is as much my fault and it is yours for the distance between us. Perhaps even more so mine, because I am finally learning how to prioritize things above your relationship.. Well, academically.

Truth is,

There is more people than just me who think that you can be just a smidge negative. That is honesty. But granted, that could have just been the case for you previously. Perhaps you have changed in a way to enjoy your life more so than before, and if that is the case, than I am of course more than happy for you! I'm not telling you to "loosen up and enjoy life" as a way to break down your confidence or anything. On the contrary, I want you to embrace your confidence and utilize all opportunities you possibly can in order to really experience life in the best possible way.
The only reason why I point these things out is because I only have your blog, (which I stalk frequently) and our experiences to base of my perception of you. This is the only contact I have with you in my busy lifestyle. And in both of this things, you have only been sharing negative thoughts, and thus I am perceiving you as a negative person. Granted again, this is me assuming things without knowing the whole story, I apologize if this offends you. But that it the only reason that I feel the need to tell you to enjoy life, because what I'm getting from you doesn't tell me that you already are. You, yourself, tell me that your life is boring at times, that you hate it there, that you can't wait until you are out of there. I'm only telling you these things as a friend, to support you and hopefully ease this mentality of stress that I have so frequently seen. It is not at all a way to undermine your life or make you feel belligerent in anyway towards me.I can't seem to understand exactly what you're going through, because unlike your parents my mother is more like an older sister to me. I can never understand normal family dynamics because mine are just completely inconsistent. I am sorry if what I said came out wrong, but from the bottom of my heart all my advice towards is just the best I can offer to try and help you lighten up your life. I can't physically be there and rescue you from boredom, nor can I tell you to disobey your parents like I would to mine because we have completely different families. And therefore, that is my only advice that I am constantly giving, "look on the bright side, make the most of what you have, don't worry so much and enjoy your life."


Our recent experiences have been unpleasant, I suppose. But I still cherish them. It's very hard for me to see what you want really, because there are only so many things I can control. I thought we were doing fine on the friendship basis until your blog literally came out of nowhere and made me wonder what happened..

Yes, this argument is over, and it was quite ridiculous on both our parts.

Already knew,

Already knew that you would reverberate anything I said into some negative way. I tried to make it sound as best as I could, and yet you still want to turn it around. You are so silly. Lol. And in all honesty, if I COULDN'T SEE YOUR HAIRS, I doubt anyone could have. lol

If this does not sound negative to you, than I don't know what is:
"Everyone in this world uses you for one or another thing but RARELY do they ever show you appreciation for being a friend or for just being there for them."

Its true, I have adapted to Berkeley and the spontaneous-ness. In fact, I hardly ever have a "Lets go eat this day! *weeks from now*"
It's more like "Hey. I'm hungry. Chipotle?" And where as some people don't like that, I find no issue with it.
To me it's not a question of how much one cares for another, because I have also adapted to being able to eat alone, study alone, (I'm at a library right now chilling on my own actually) and yet I choose to reach out to you because I want to.

I don't know where I'm going to go with this, because I'd rather not have an argument about it. I hate arguing. I only addressed this in the first place because your entire last blog was completely an attack on my character. You said things as if implying that I was a certain way that I am not. That's all.

Because really, if that's what you really think about me, then idk how our friendship stands. It's up to you. Because I know a lot of that was false accusations.

Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, Ima be straight up with you.

You worry too much. You think too much about what other people think.

You spent minutes if not hours trying to find a way to shave barely visible hairs on your legs. -___-
This negative energy you have, you are overemphasizing things you reaaaally don't have to. I don't possibly understand how you can think that I judge you when we are in public. I really don't ever do so. I admit, I can get pretty angry when there is unnecessary trouble. It annoys me, you know this about me already from our years together.

But don't ever think that I judge you, look down on you, etc. etc. Do you not remember all of Senior year? GIRL, I LOOKED TORN UP EVERY DAY AT JL. I did not try at ALL to look nice. It was legit "Fuckkkk calculus... *brush teeth* go to school." I STILL have my days like that. My pictures are very misleading, hohoho. It makes me look beautiful when in reality I am usually wearing sweatpants.

I always want to take pictures with you, somehow... we just never end up taking them -__-. Lol. The reason I dress nice is FOR PICTURES and FOR YOU! Otherwise, I would be the usual "can I just sleep" Sherry that I will never grow out of. There's a reason I try to look nice for you, because I want to take pictures and I want to remember these moments we had together.

You have these really negative impressions of me, because you are over thinking every situation. In all honesty, no one is perfect. Hell, I could name a few things about you -lols- but I won't. Because I know that is just how you are with your crazy over reacting self just like how you know that's just how I am with my cranky bitchy self.

I'm enjoying my life right now, straight up. it's pretty fantastic.
But I also have those days I want to die, I want to crawl into a hole because of my workload, I am stressed out to the point where I could drink myself to sleep...
But you know why I don't? Because I think positively. Because I appreciate everyone in my life and you people are the ones that keep me going. Including you. When I'm home, I hit you up. Real talk if I didn't want to hit you up I wouldn't. There'd be no point in that. o______o. So just understand that you are important to me, and I still consider you one of my best friends. <3 br="br" nbsp="nbsp">
Berkeley won't ever replace the lovers I have in San Jose. San Jose or die. <3 br="br">Now stop being so negative and cheer up! No need to be bitter, just.... (fuck I tried to make this rhyme and this is obviously not going to work out) ..uh switter..... which means sweet-and not-bitter.... lols............

Anyways, yes. I tell you think SO many times already, BUT YOU JUST NEED TO CHILL AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE! LOL <3 much.="much." nbsp="nbsp" p="p" so="so" without="without" worrying="worrying">

Truth is,

I miss you. I really do. I miss our adventures, the laughs, all the memories I would never choose to forget in a lifetime.

But here's the thing. You hurt me.
Worse than I think any man will ever be able to do.

I want you to understand that I trusted you with my heart and soul. When I had those trust issues with other people, you were the one I confided in. You. I believed in our friendship and I really considered you one of my best friends..

But this entire time, you had different thoughts. You thought of me in ways I had no idea of, and really... why couldn't you just express these feelings to me? What was the point of telling those who I held closest? What was it? Did you want them to dislike me as you internally did?? I don't understand.

More so, the fact that you told them as if they wouldn't tell me. It already just says what you think about the friendships I hold. I heard everything you've ever said about me... Over long periods of time I heard multiple things you said... to each and every one of my close friends. And I beat myself up, I tried to make myself a better person, but every attempt to no avail... the talking continued, the gap between my trust and love for you grew, until finally, I couldn't take it. I needed to get away from you.

I'm unsure what you think about what happened between us, and I am unsure if you have kept those feelings towards me. Hell, I'm not even sure if I can ever bring myself to look at you in the same way.

But I miss you. Or at least, I miss who I thought you were.
I miss my best friend who made my home really feel like home. And more than anything I just need closure. I just need to know what is it about me that made you feel the need to do that all this time? What did I do?

Sure, it sounds like I'm being dramatic. But in all honesty from the bottom of my heart, you don't know how much it hurt. To hear, from another one of my best friends, these feelings you had towards me when to my face it was all smiles, compliments, etc etc.
And not just from one friend. From multiple. Some that you have never even met up with alone. In the few opportunities you had to be alone with them, you used it as a way to say those things about me? I just don't get it... I don't get the purpose... I don't get why you did that....... it's mind boggling. What. was. the. point. ?

When you said I went the extra mile for my friends at Berkeley, but not you, what times were you referring to? In my life I have taken the car and driven them twice. I've only had my Berkeley friends visit me twice.
I have picked you up multiple times, my boyfriend has picked you up and driven you around multiple times, and even after I heard this I made an effort to pick you up even more so than I did before, you have driven my car probably as much as I have.
You were never just a "ride" to me. I never wanted just that from you.
You have to understand one thing about me: I have issues with asking for help. That is absolutely my issue, I've never been great at opening up and purging my emotions to people... And so, if I ask you to come and pick me up because I'm not feeling too well, you should know that that also entails a long talk that I want to have with you, and when you mentions issues and concerns, I will think to myself, "Well, it's too much trouble for them, I'll just get over it on my own." That one incident at.. what was it... In and Out? Mc Donalds? I don't know.. I asked you to come and get me, because if I was able to do so for you I would have. Despite my gas, if I could grab the car, I would have gone. This incident has always bothered me because I remember you saying, "I can't drive you home but we can stay and talk there." and really... I was not comfortable being there... I absolutely wanted to go somewhere else and just talk to you. If we had stayed I would have been miserable and thus treated you probably miserably. And so, I told you not to come. That does not mean at all that I just wanted the ride. I did want to have a nice long talk for you, and it was disheartening that the few times I really needed someone to talk to, I couldn't actually get what I really needed. This is the person I am.

From all the things that happened between us, there were times you upset me, of course. But I never took your actions out of context and turned it into a judgement on your character like you did with me.

I've just been thinking about it a lot lately. Because my life is absolutely wonderful right now. I have no complaints other than my workload. And then.. there's just this little part of me that always checks up on you, happy for you even, and yet it irks me because I still don't understand why.
/bothered.

Trust me, if you really cared, you would have done something by now. Just because I didn’t say something that you may have been hoping for doesn’t mean I don’t care; it just means that I’ve tried for a while now and at some point, I woke up from it all and realized that it just wasn’t worth it anymore. What do you expect from me? I refuse to be that person I was five years ago—almost desperate. Friendship is a give and take relationship and I think it’s time for you to give me a phone call to see if I’m down to chill and for you to take me somewhere for a change. But as for now, I’m tired—in many respects actually. Time to rest these mind strangling thoughts. Sorry. I have to put this here. I have to leave it here so I can read it tomorrow and make sure what I'm feeling is real and not overreacting.. Because as of right now, while at my boyfriend's friend's random house, I am sitting here, my face completely red, head completely spinning and lightheaded, and I am just so hurt and shocked. Or maybe I just have a fever, I'm often feverish and sick. Maybe when I have more time and don't have random people staring at me and asking me if I'm okay, I can elaborate more on this issue that has grown out of proportion. I just really really disapprove of this assuming tone. Trust ME, you don't understand at all how much I cared. Not everyone is the same person. While some have the capacity to keep trying and trying until forcing their way in to make it work, others see exactly what is happening in front of them and let it go after a decent amount of effort. I can say this is the same case for you. You say it's give-and-take, and now it's my turn. Please elaborate on how you have tried so very hard because trust me it makes my blood boil like a slap to the face.

Difficult.

With Spring Break around the corner, I absolutely can not wait to see you. I've been awaiting the peace and serenity of just laying in your arms for the passed month now..

However, you... have been acting different lately.. Is it because we barely ever talked during last week? Why is it that now, that you call often all the time, you are picking more fights with me? More fights that you've never picked before...?

When did you start caring what I do with my social life? When did me going out with friends and going "crazy drunk" become an issue? How dare you even tell me, as if threatening, "I'm just telling you. It's a huge turn off. I never want to date a girl who gets drunk all the time."
Do you think that means anything to me other than insult? Because it doesn't.
For one thing, the last time I drank: 3 weeks ago. Did I go a little crazy 2 nights ago? NO. I did NOTHING crazy. No dancing on poles, no stripping, no kissing guys. What did I do? A lot of CELEBRATING. There wasn't even really a dance floor! We all play drinking games, saying, "Here's to spring break! Here's to the Omicrons! CONGRATS EVERYONE!" there was NO "LETS GET FUCKED UP! FUCK BITCHES GET MONEY! YOU! TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES."

Furthermore, the fact that you say that, while also saying "I don't want to be a strict boyfriend...."
You aren't being strict. You are being judgemental.
You had your fun, Mr. Drank so much on a SCHOOL DAY that he walked home puking all the way home.

Me. I'm tame. I know my boundaries. I know that there is this terrific guy waiting for me at home, that I would love to be with all the time if I could.

What should I do then? Reject every offer to go out and just sit around talking to you about how sad and lonely I am without you in my life?
I don't think so.
We aren't that kind of couple.
I'm not going to turn into that kind of person again. I have been there. In that position. I did not like it. YOU GOT THAT??????


In reference to the past, now you are angry, because I Skyped with my Ex Bf?????

I just. I can't. I can't even.
I understand how you may feel threatened, I've been away, not able to talk to you for a week. But now that I suddenly can you expect me to just cling to you all the time and not have a social life with anyone else but you???? Get over yourself.

Lol.... now it's obvious I've just blown up about you blowing up.

Augh. You are just so silly. Get over it already so we can be happy when we finally get to see each other. You girl.

Extremely Fed up.

But this. This is not acceptable.
Hypocritical even. The reason why you were annoyed, and I let you in, even though in all honesty I was hurt and disappointed by what you did just 2 days earlier.
Ironic how this happened, when earlier this morning I questioned, "Should I just say, 'sure, come over'?" when I could have had other plans. and now. Having waited.


fmslkmvldksmvls.

I don't like being "the back up plan." Someone to kill time with until you find something better. AUGH. AUGH.

After ALL those times I 'saved' you?!?!?!?!? REALLY? At least reply and say, "Sorry, Can't tonight." Instead of keeping your own friend waiting. This is nothing like a friend.

I'm sorry for the harsh words but I am sooooooooooooo mad right now. Furious. Don't even feel like a friend I feel like some fucking "video game" to use when your damn boyfriend is busy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IDJSIDNKSNDCLSMDLKSMNDLKSMDLKSMLDKMSLKDSLDKMSL


I'm sure I will forgive you. But please, in heaven and hell. Just be honest next time. I HATE being strung along. I'm not sure if I actually feel this way about you. But as of right now, the fact that the last two attempts to hang out, have ended this way, I can't help but be furious.