Flipped.

Oh, how the tables have turned.
I used to be the one, who was set off by anything.
He used to be the one, who took my sht, and loved me nonetheless.
I used to be the one, who seemed impossible to please.

Of course, this is a different "HE." My HE now, is where I was before.
Except, I AM trying! I am making an effort, and sacrifices to make this boy happy. Unlike how I was treated....
And yet, nothing works, everything upsets him! He becomes angry, aggravated, and backs the hell away from me. Yelling, using a loud voice.
I despise people that use a loud voice during conversation.
If they can't say it quietly... they have the worse set of patience.
Which makes me think, "Yeah. I can't handle that. Not for the rest of my life."

I love you, you stupid fool.
BUT GET YO' FUCKING ACT STRAIGHT OR IMMA BEAT A BITCH.

........Sorry, that was my impatience towards yelling.
I hate when you talk to a person, SO CALMLY, TRYING TO BE NICE AND SWEET, AND UNDERSTANDING,
AND THEY GO FUCKING BLASTING OFF, "CAN I HANG UP NOW?!"

FUCKKKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU MOTHER FUCKERRR AND EAT NUGGETS YOU LITTLE PIECE OF MAD ANGRY NO PATIENCE LITTLE TWERPING FLIPPING WHIPPING.

I CAN'T EVEN USE MANY CUSSWORDS WITH YOU BECAUSE I FEEL BAD BUT YOU ARE ACTING LIKE SUCH A BFIJNKFMNKSFMSKFMSL B-....GIRL!!!!!!!!!!! A FUCKING LITTLE PMS-ING GIRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLl

....Ah, that felt so good. I think I'm going to go party right now and let it out.

You know why?
BECAUSE I HAVE THE OPTION TO FUCKING PARTY WITH DRUNK FRAT GUYS ANYTIME I WANT,
I just FUCKING DON'T BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORRY OR FEEL LIKE I'M FORGETTING YOU.


FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear You,

I have not forgotten about you.
Really, I haven't. I check your blog every chance I get, -if not on a daily basis. I've been really busy lately, school, work, other obligations, just trying to enjoy college.
Honestly, it's not that I'm replacing you, or forgetting you. I have such faith in us, and I know we'll remain friends for as long as possible.
I'm just trying to make the most out of college, to be independent, to explore the world, every thing. I know that you've been trying to hang out, and trust me I do really want us to hang out! It's just that, 1. I'm freaking terrified of coming to visit you because lets face it, I'd get lost going to my own house from the freeway, 2. I've had absolutely no time except for every 2-3 weeks where I go home just to relax.
I really do love SF though, I want to visit! That'd be so much fun. :>
Although these new girls I'm meeting, I love with all my heart already, they will never replace you.
I have a confession to make: This past year, with everything that has happened between us. I felt a lot of different emotions.. It really did hurt me what happened. I felt distanced from you, forgotten by you, like a bother. We stopped having those crazy memories together. It seemed like every time we hung out was just to calm down, and relax. And I loved the times we hung out! But really, it hurt me that when we hung out, you had all these crazy stories with your other friends, the same friends that I felt I was losing you to; I missed being the one you had crazy memories with.
Ever since then, I didn't know what to do. I was just, so numb, and felt like my best friend was doing so much better with out me, to a point where I stopped trying to hang out with you because you were doing better on your own.
But that never changed the love I have for you.
Even though, even now, I feel like once winter, or summer hits, you'll be well on your way with your close group you formed, you'll always have an important place in my heart.
These girls are the ones I'm just enjoying my time with, experimenting stupid things. But, at the same time, I could never picture them on the same level we are. I don't think I'll be as close to them as I am with you.
And I'll be completely honest; I feel so happy that you're putting in such an effort. I actually feel like such a priority, like I'm wanted in your life. And from the bottom of my heart, in the best, non-offensive way possible, I really haven't felt like this from you in a while. And I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, I SWEAR, it's NOT an attack!!!!!!!!! I'm just, being honest, really really honest. I'm kind of dreading winter break, because I feel like once that hits you'll be busy with your other life again.

But, anyways,
You should never feel like I'm forgetting you.
It'll always be you and I.

....I feel like I just wanted to spill my guts out so this post really didn't make much sense.... haha.
But.. I hope you understood my nearly invisible point.

I am horribly abandonment-afraid.

I've always been afraid of the concept of, "Someone better".. And honestly, it has happened, plenty of times, which has scarred me.

I'm just so tired of finding these great people, having all this fun and memories, great friendship, only to feel left out when they find someone better.

It always makes me wonder, "What is it about me that tires people out?"
"What is it about these other people that are so much better than me?"

Hm... I don't know. I think the reason I get so clingy to people, always searching for the one group of friends, one person, who I can have a "best friend" relationship with, who I can feel safe enough and know they won't want to leave me, they won't WANT anything better than what I give, is because I know my flaws, and deep down I know it probably will never happen because there is just too much wrong with me and my emotions.

....haha, just had to type that.