Best Friend Left For College.

Although I was sad to see her leave, I didn't cry as I left her. Why? Not because I won't miss her, but because I couldn't seem to grasp the fact that she would be living there, and I would be living at Berkeley.
Then, I went home and started packing. It has begun to hit me, seeing that I have to get rid of so many things in my room, leaving it empty. That I won't be in this environment that I am so used to (even though it has proven very lonely in the past). My summer has been great, honestly. Despite the rough patch of loneliness here and there I feel so happy to have the friends I do, and the memories I've had this summer.
As I read Sheri's letter she had written to me, I cried. I broke down in tears. Because I realized, this is a part of life. That we are going to grow apart, and things won't be easier for us from here. And what hit me the most was that, no matter what, things won't be the same. I could stay here, be surrounded by the same place, same environment, but nearly everyone else would have been gone. My reason for wanting to keep things the same would have changed anyways. We all have to move on, this hard, overwhelming time period is something we ALL must do.

I'm not afraid, really. I just, feel so overwhelmed, I don't feel ready. I'm not ready to let go of this summer, let go of the friendship and bonds I have formed, let go of my family to be independent. Everything is just happening so fast. I don't know how long it's going to take me to adjust. I know I'm going to be okay, soon. I know I will love my time there. But as of right now, it's just so hard to grasp. It's happening so quickly. I just feel so caught off guard.

Best Friend, I love you, so much. And I know that things will never be the same as how it used to be, but like you said, you will always have a place in my heart. I will never forget you, and I will always appreciate every moment of everyday we've spent together.

Fair well San Jose, I know I'm being a bit more dramatic then I have to be, but I just can't help it. I just feel SO overwhelmed. Even the amount of times I put "overwhelmed" is overwhelming.


Shout Outs (people OTHER than best friend because I wrote you a letter :D.. LOL) :

1. Hello there, you silly girl. I will never forget this summer. You were such a big part of picking me up while I felt down. When I felt alone, you, in any way possible, let me know I was in your thoughts. It is thanks to you, that I have so many fun -though embarrassing- memories. This was one wacky, life changing summer for us both, huh? .... Mostly my life changed because YOURS did, but you see my point. I will miss you so much. The constant laughing, the skipping and dancing in public, loud ear-piercing voices of ours. I pray to god that our friendship will never change. I need your sense of crazy humor to compliment mine. I Love You <3 Even though you'll be far away from me physically, I hope that you will continue to call me if you're down, tell me about your day every now and then. You hold such an important part in my life, and have never failed to brighten up my day when I needed it most. I wish you the best of luck where ever you may be, and just know that you'll always be welcomed, and I'll always be here for you. You'll always hold a place in my heart.

2. Although I changed so much because of you, because of us, I am so happy you are still one of my best friends. Who would have thought that the dorky looking boy would end up being one of my favorite memories of high school? I love everything that you do for me, always putting others in front of you. I don't think you're a push over at all, I think you are just being THE RIGHT KIND OF PERSON. Thank you, for always being there for me. Your selfless acts, your clueless-ness, your awkward yet entertaining humor. I will miss it all. It makes me sad to see that you won't be in school with me anymore. I mean, I'm sad that I have no best friends going to school with me, but honestly, I'm even more disappointed that out of all those friends, I don't even have you to go to school with me, after these 4 great years..

3. You are like a sister to me. And yes, this summer, you've been absent, but it doesn't matter because you are still like family to me. I loved the time we spent together this summer, when I saw you almost everyday, and although I wish we got to spend more time together in the end, it doesn't matter because I know we'll still be close. We HAVE to be close, I mean, come on, our mothers are like secret lovers or something. Thanks for being one of my -very blunt but honestly opinionated- best friends. I hope you don't have too much fun your last year of college, and just know that I will be back to visit you all the time! (Though you will probably be too busy to notice!!!)

4. Kindergarten. You know, it's funny. I remember when we all "graduated" from kindergarten. That was my last time seeing your before I moved. And then, I remember my first day of first grade. I cried. My mother took me to my classroom, and I cried like a baby. Why? Because it was so many strange, unknown faces, and I KNEW that I would not be seeing you anymore. I KNEW this was not the school my best friend from Kindergarten with. I remember it so vividly. It's funny now to look back on that, and I feel quite foolish, and embarrassed. I always hated change. But now, as I look back on it, I feel so lucky. Because despite how I missed you then, we somehow found each other. And we've been close (I'd like to think so) ever since. It makes me feel so hopeful. And I know that I will be leaving soon, but I've appreciated all our time together, and I'm SO glad that we've remained friends since then. We're all taking a new part of our life, it's so hard for me to accept right now, but I will always have memories of our younger days. And I will always hold a place for you, to make new memories. One of the first people who accepted me, and loved me enough to remember me years from now. I Love You <3

.....Ah, I'm going to take a walk now.

Different.

Like I said, I will try to fight what I feel and see before my eyes. I will fight it to a point where it will seem I don't notice it.

But I have. Things are different, I don't feel like you feel the same way about me as before. I don't feel I feel the same way about you as before.

What I see, I don't feel like it was something you meant to really touch my heart and speak to with me, like the others. I didn't get a feeling of warmth and appreciation, and utter love. Instead, I felt like it was a reminiscing, like I used to be someone so great and important, however now is different.

Haha, I don't know how to explain it, and perhaps it's just because of the situation lately. But I know to give you space, and things will fall into place the way they will be.

Stress.

I am so stressed out about paying for college. All this bill handling, signing up for things, how do I even pay? I don't understand the scholarship and financial thing at ALL. And the deadline is coming up. I have no idea to know how to use the money I have received! It says "paid" but paid where? It's no in my bank account, so where is?? I don't want all my hard work to be cancelled out from some reconcile to pay!

I wish they could just sit down with me, and walk me through the process so I can do it on my own next year.

But no. No one has helped me. It's been a lot of e-mailing, over and over, vague answers, a lot of "I don't know"s and going crazy.

It's just SO stressful. Seeing these things no one warned me about, even though I check my e-mail EVERYDAY somehow these random, "You have not ----, if you do not ---- in time, your money will not be paid to you!" I mean, what IS this??? 5 days before I "pay" my last bill? When I asked WEEKS ago, "What is the process of this?" E-MAILING IS NOT ENOUGH DETAIL AND HELP ANYMORE. APPARENTLY I DON'T GET IT...

AG, So frustrating. I just want someone to SIT DOWN WITH ME AND EXPLAIN IT WHILE GOING OVER IT WITH ME.

I'm being pushed into the adult bill paying world. I can't mess this up.

Splendid.

"You often make jokes, and bring on that gentle smile during an intense conversation. But I see through it every time, hun. I know you're hurting."

I had a dream last night, in which my boyfriend said this to me.
However, it was a 'flashback' dream because I do remember him saying this to me during my last breakdown.

.....On a lighter note, (I wonder if this is what he's talking about by 'changing the subject to hide my sadness' kinda thing) I was sad because someone ate the last of my coco puffs, and he gave me that speech about hiding my pain. o_O so uh..