Truth is,

I miss you. I really do. I miss our adventures, the laughs, all the memories I would never choose to forget in a lifetime.

But here's the thing. You hurt me.
Worse than I think any man will ever be able to do.

I want you to understand that I trusted you with my heart and soul. When I had those trust issues with other people, you were the one I confided in. You. I believed in our friendship and I really considered you one of my best friends..

But this entire time, you had different thoughts. You thought of me in ways I had no idea of, and really... why couldn't you just express these feelings to me? What was the point of telling those who I held closest? What was it? Did you want them to dislike me as you internally did?? I don't understand.

More so, the fact that you told them as if they wouldn't tell me. It already just says what you think about the friendships I hold. I heard everything you've ever said about me... Over long periods of time I heard multiple things you said... to each and every one of my close friends. And I beat myself up, I tried to make myself a better person, but every attempt to no avail... the talking continued, the gap between my trust and love for you grew, until finally, I couldn't take it. I needed to get away from you.

I'm unsure what you think about what happened between us, and I am unsure if you have kept those feelings towards me. Hell, I'm not even sure if I can ever bring myself to look at you in the same way.

But I miss you. Or at least, I miss who I thought you were.
I miss my best friend who made my home really feel like home. And more than anything I just need closure. I just need to know what is it about me that made you feel the need to do that all this time? What did I do?

Sure, it sounds like I'm being dramatic. But in all honesty from the bottom of my heart, you don't know how much it hurt. To hear, from another one of my best friends, these feelings you had towards me when to my face it was all smiles, compliments, etc etc.
And not just from one friend. From multiple. Some that you have never even met up with alone. In the few opportunities you had to be alone with them, you used it as a way to say those things about me? I just don't get it... I don't get the purpose... I don't get why you did that....... it's mind boggling. What. was. the. point. ?

When you said I went the extra mile for my friends at Berkeley, but not you, what times were you referring to? In my life I have taken the car and driven them twice. I've only had my Berkeley friends visit me twice.
I have picked you up multiple times, my boyfriend has picked you up and driven you around multiple times, and even after I heard this I made an effort to pick you up even more so than I did before, you have driven my car probably as much as I have.
You were never just a "ride" to me. I never wanted just that from you.
You have to understand one thing about me: I have issues with asking for help. That is absolutely my issue, I've never been great at opening up and purging my emotions to people... And so, if I ask you to come and pick me up because I'm not feeling too well, you should know that that also entails a long talk that I want to have with you, and when you mentions issues and concerns, I will think to myself, "Well, it's too much trouble for them, I'll just get over it on my own." That one incident at.. what was it... In and Out? Mc Donalds? I don't know.. I asked you to come and get me, because if I was able to do so for you I would have. Despite my gas, if I could grab the car, I would have gone. This incident has always bothered me because I remember you saying, "I can't drive you home but we can stay and talk there." and really... I was not comfortable being there... I absolutely wanted to go somewhere else and just talk to you. If we had stayed I would have been miserable and thus treated you probably miserably. And so, I told you not to come. That does not mean at all that I just wanted the ride. I did want to have a nice long talk for you, and it was disheartening that the few times I really needed someone to talk to, I couldn't actually get what I really needed. This is the person I am.

From all the things that happened between us, there were times you upset me, of course. But I never took your actions out of context and turned it into a judgement on your character like you did with me.

I've just been thinking about it a lot lately. Because my life is absolutely wonderful right now. I have no complaints other than my workload. And then.. there's just this little part of me that always checks up on you, happy for you even, and yet it irks me because I still don't understand why.
/bothered.