I have 2 people, who I feel a tad uneasy about right now. Yes, they are unfortunately 2 of the most important people of my life, of course. That's just how life works.
1.
It's really quite interesting how things tend to happen with us. It always seems like life is working in ways that force me to rid of my fears. My scars left behind. It's so coincidental that right after I posted a blog, -not even really a blog, because it was only meant for the -ding- post- stating how terrified I was about promise rings, promises. Here I am today, knowing that you bought me one. There I was, two days ago, staring into your eyes and you pulled it from your drawer. Begging me to open it, as I was still in denial about it being a ring. Honestly, I don't know if it is a defense mechanism, or my pure naive idiot-like thinking, that lead me to believe that the box I held in my hands were earrings. I apologize. I really my breath leaping out of my lungs when you forced me to open it, to reveal a small, silver ring. 3 diamonds. Kay Jewelry. Omg, I just looked at the same facebook page, (Amy's) that made me fear the promise ring in the first place, still, shivers. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sure it's not a big deal.. Are we moving too fast? We've been together 1.5 years, we ARE moving too fast..... right? I hope I'm not just becoming commitment afraid again.. Because you know I love you so much. I can openly say, that I am so very in love with you. (Yes, I had a mild loss of breath when I typed that...) I've never felt so real, so in a relationship, than I am, right now, with you.
You've taken the ring, hidden it until Christmas day. And maybe then, maybe after spending this month together, (or .. lol week) I'll feel more ready. I just don't want to skip to the end of where ever we will end up, I don't want to fast forward. I want to take in everything, and be everything, with each other, one step at a time. Boy, you are just so crazy you faith. You always have been. Since the 3rd day when you told me you loved me, to the 5th month when you begged me never to leave you in your sleep, to the 8th month when you wanted me to promise that I'd marry you.
You are just, so adorable, in your somewhat naive ways. You're somewhat realistic but so in a dream fantasy like state ways.
Sometimes I feel too much like a princess to believe this is true. Haha, you are just too funny.
Wait... I started this post with the soul intent to be afraid of you and this ring, and now I'm smiling about it? ...Realizing that scares me.
2.
I remember reading your note, before we headed off to start our new lives. I cried, so hard. I cried because I knew what was going to happen. I cried because I knew from then on, I would continue to shrink in your mind, to be a far away memory. And yes, I know that as much as it is your fault, it is as equally my fault that our friendship has ended up this way. But honestly, I'm not angry about it. From time to time, I get frustrated, enviously spiteful, but no. It's not the truth. The truth is I'm not at all angry, or spiteful. I'm just hurt, and envious, and wanting to be a part of your life. I know it's a little awkward between us right now. But I can't help it. Perhaps you don't realize, but everything you put, it just makes me feel like..I'm no longer included. And please, don't tell me that it shouldn't, because.. every quote, about memories, about importance, about anything, there is always a justification for why I am not in it, (IE- Picked only facebook pictures) or even (IE- solely on the purpose of survival, not favoritism of people) And yet, coincidentally, everytime, these people of your importance level picked not by favoritism, always end up being the same people, of the same group. Every time. Slowly, as I continued to try and wipe from my brain all these things I read, and felt hurt and unimportant by, it really...really... just ate me away. And these justifications, I never ran them by you, but it's just... so obvious. Even as I am typing this I feel on the brink of tears. And no. I am not unhappy with my life at all, I love my life. I am really really happy. And yet, when I think about this. When I think about us. And what has happened, how I feel so replaced, it makes me almost want to cry. ...Well, no. Now I'm tearing. But anyways. I try and pretend it doesn't bother me. But it does. It really does. I've already felt like I've lost you as how we were, but even now I can barely even remember how we were because it has been so long..... Do you know when was the last actual time we were "us" before things changed? Freshman year. And you know what is funny? That was when you were miserable. Your worst year of high school. That's when we had the strongest relationship. What does that even mean then??
I just really needed to get this off my chest because it was eating me away.
Not intended to start a war, or anything of the sort.
HOLY FUCK I JUST HEARD LIKE YELLING AND SCREAMING AND LIKE WOLF NOISES......... Fuck life. Completely ruined my rant. NOW I AM SCARED AND GOING TO CALL LAM. ODMSLKDMALKMDA AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
